


Come closer, I need you

by jazzaiko



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Author Would Love To Apologize for Inaccuracies, CBX but C is Chanyeol, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Idol Baekhyun, Idols, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internal Conflict, It gets better I promise, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mentions of superm, Past Rape/Non-con, Psychiatrist Jongdae, Sasaeng Fan(s), Smut, Songfic, Strangers to Lovers, slow start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:28:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21935239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzaiko/pseuds/jazzaiko
Summary: Baekhyun seems fine from the outside: he has good looks, talent, money, fans, and popularity, but is he really fine? It's Jongdae's job to find out and make him feel whole again.Song For You Prompt #302 Psycho by Baekhyun
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen
Comments: 28
Kudos: 98
Collections: Song For You : The Second Album





	Come closer, I need you

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. Any similarities are coincidental and may not represent what happened in real life
> 
> Trigger warning: mental disorder, sasaeng, mention of past bullying, physical & sexual abuse (I tried making it as mild as possible)
> 
> This may not be your usual BaekChen bickering stuff so I hope you keep an open mind when reading it. 
> 
> Thank you for my lovely beta [Danie / ekzxo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/280_728/pseuds/ekzxo) and [Jane / xxiudeuxx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxiudeuxx/pseuds/xxiudeuxx) who support me all the way~~ I can't do this without you

## Appointment 1 - July 5

Name: Byun Baekhyun

Date of birth: 6 May 1992

Kim Jongdae glances at his newest patient as he reads the form. He has a rather droopy yet twinkling eyes, round face with soft features. Jongdae will describe him as quite good looking—more towards cute than manly. He also has his hair coloured in bright pink, too funky for Jongdae's taste and is not the color that he would sport. But understandable because of Baekhyun's job as an entertainer—a member of an idol group from MS Entertainment named CBM, if Jongdae remembers correctly. He doesn't really follow any idols due to his busy job, so he is not sure if they are relevant. But from what he remembers, the receptionist in front is a fan of them; he remembers her talking about this CBM.

"Baekhyun-ssi, can you follow me? First I need to do some physical examination on you." Jongdae stands up, taking the stethoscope on the rack. From the corner of his eye, he can see Baekhyun rising from his seat and following him to the area covered with curtains, revealing an examination bed and some medical instruments. Jongdae points his hand towards the bed and Baekhyun obediently lies on it. He puts his stethoscope on, listening to the heartbeat which sounds normal—not too erratic or slow. He also checks the eyes and tongue, the usual physical examinations, as part of the procedure. 

"Do you have any health issues? Somewhere you don't feel well at the moment?" Jongdae asks, which has Baekhyun shaking his head as a reply. Blood pressure is normal too. Baekhyun's physique looks normal, complete with 2 arms and 2 legs, no disfiguration.

"Can you take off your shirt? I need to see if you have any scars or..." Jongdae asks, which earns him a confused look from his patient but still does it anyway. The doctor examines his patient's body. Baekhyun is quite skinny once he takes off his oversized shirt. His skin pale and smooth, slight abs peeking. Overall his body is quite toned with no flabby fats. He turns and Jongdae notices an old scar on his back. Baekhyun says he doesn't remember how it happened. Other than the scar, dark circles under his eyes, and slightly pale face that looks tired from lack of sleep, Jongdae probably will pass him as normal and fine—relatively healthy.

However, no normal people will come to this place, only those with special reasons; the people who may seem fine from the outside, but has spent some time—maybe a long time—not being fine. And Jongdae's job is to help them feel better, hopefully to the point of being fine and whole again.

"That's all I need for now. Thank you," Jongdae nods. "You can dress up and join us back in the room." He walks over to his desk, giving Baekhyun some time to wear his shirt back. Not long after, Baekhyun joins him fully dressed, returning to his seat in front of Jongdae. 

Joining his hands together on the top of his desk, Jongdae looks up at Baekhyun. "So… Baekhyun-ssi, how are you? What can I help you with?" Jongdae starts gently, giving a warm smile.

Baekhyun seems a bit shy. He turns his head at another person sitting beside him, his manager Do Kyungsoo. He is about the same height as Baekhyun but looks plain with short black hair and thick-framed glasses. The manager looks very serious and stern, eyebrows almost joined together as if he is angry. Jongdae worries if he accidentally said the wrong thing.

"Can I?" Baekhyun asks meekly. The manager's gaze at Baekhyun softens with understanding, and he nods. "Thank you, Kyungsoo-ya," Baekhyun finally smiled this time. His smile is a bit unique, Jongdae thinks, looks like his mouth is forming a rectangle revealing lines of white teeth.

"I will leave you two to talk privately," Kyungsoo stands up from his seat, gives a slight bow to Jongdae, who nods in reply, before grabbing the door handle and leave.

As the door shuts close, the room becomes very quiet, only sounds of wall clock ticking and air conditioner humming. Jongdae returns his attention at Baekhyun who is fidgeting, eyes flitting between Jongdae and the table, as if he is unsure whether to speak up or not.

Jongdae understands, it is always difficult to take the first step, to open up. He leans forward, trying to give some support. "If you let me help you, I will. Is there anything that worries you, makes you feel uncomfortable?"

Baekhyun takes a deep breath and starts, "So... Dr. Kim..." He pauses, unsure how to continue. 

"You may call me Jongdae, if that makes you feel better. Our age is not that much different," Jongdae adds with a smile. This small thing seems to lift a lot of weight from Baekhyun, as Jongdae sees the effect immediately when Baekhyun takes a breath of relief—his shoulders go down, relaxing. It seems like his patient doesn't like the restriction of formality. He waits patiently for Baekhyun to begin.

Baekhyun leans over. "So, where do I begin?" 

"Anything. You can just speak out whatever is in your mind right now." He purposely uses informal language, trying to get Baekhyun to feel more comfortable to speak.

Baekhyun takes another huff of breath and starts, "I work as an entertainer. I sing, I dance, I stand on stages, I try to make people happy." He continues, "I always try to smile on stage, whenever there's a camera around, or just when there are people around me. People and fans said that I am a mood maker. I do enjoy joking around, making people smile and happy, but sometimes, it's difficult." He lets out a sigh, "I feel that... I should always be happy and cheerful since the other members said that they feel their spirit uplifted whenever they see me. I feel like I should live up to their expectations... so I never complain... I don't share my worries or things that are too personal. But it is difficult sometimes. I still feel things, you know."

Jongdae notices that Baekhyun's body starts shaking, as if he wants to cry but trying to hold it in. "If you want to cry, just let it out. I don't mind." He takes a sheet of tissue from the box, offering it. Baekhyun takes it and hunches, covering his face with the tissue and his hands.

"I... I feel stressed. Many people think that being an idol is good, people shower you with love and admiration wherever you go. But.. it's not always like that. I am on SNS and although I see a lot of support and encouragement from my fans, I really appreciate them... lovely fans.. but sometimes, I saw the.. not nice ones. Telling me that I'm ugly, I don't deserve to be in the group, wishing death on me.. stuff like that. It... hurts," he lets out a sob. He takes some breaths, trying to control his crying but fails. 

"What... did... I do wrong?" he speaks in between sobs, "I just follow the agency's orders.. I sing like what the composer and vocal director asks me to... I dance following the choreographer hyungs.. I just sit there as the stylist noona and make up artists do my look or decide what color and style I should have for my hair and my outfits. Sometimes I don't really like it but we need to follow a concept, you know? And... although I may be playful with my members, I know their limits and I never once want to offend them. I try to be nice whenever fans are around, smile at them, wave at them if I can, as long as it's not too personal and my time allows it, I am always up for fanservice. Without their support, I'm nothing, after all, just a guy who loves singing with a dream."

"I understand," Jongdae responds, letting Baekhyun know that he is paying attention. Jongdae offers the tissue box and Baekhyun takes several sheets, wiping his snot and tears with it. 

"Although my members are very kind to me, I sometimes feel that I am nothing in the group," Baekhyun admits bitterly. 

"Why makes you think so?"

Baekhyun bits his lips. "Minseok hyung, our leader, is so good at dancing. He learns choreography the fastest among us and he is so flexible—he can do even the difficult moves with such grace." 

He continues, "Chanyeollie, our rapper, although younger than me and Minseok hyung, is so freaking tall. And he is so good-looking. I think he has the most fans among CBM? Fans always go crazy when he is on. Even if I wear makeup and him without, I often feel like a pile of shit beside him. He is funny and weird sometimes, but he is kind to me and hyung. He is also very talented, can play many instruments.. guitar, bass.. keyboard.. and drums too I think? He composes a lot of our songs. I wish I am at least one third as talented as him."

Jongdae nods in understanding. "I see.. and how is your relationship with them?"

"Minseok hyung is very kind. He is like an older brother I never had. Although he is older, he is never patronizing. He is very chill. He is also very clean and takes good care of us," Baekhyun's lips form a small smile as if reminiscing good memories. "I have a lot of things in common with Chanyeollie, like games, music taste, even food preferences, although it's probably because we are closer in age. I talk to him more often than with Minseok hyung."

"How about yourself? How do you see yourself?" Jongdae asks.

"I am the main vocalist in the group and honestly, my singing is the only thing I'm proud of," Baekhyun lets a smile.

"See, you do have your role in the group. You are not nothing, Baekhyun," Jongdae gives an assuring smile. This seems to have a reverse effect than what he intends since Baekhyun bawls harder. He takes another tissue and sniffs, looking away. Jongdae is perplexed, but he waits - Baekhyun may want some space.

When Baekhyun feels better, he turns to face Jongdae. “Sorry, I just suddenly get emotional when people praise me,” Baekhyun admits with a sheepish smile. “I really don’t think I’m that good yet. I… practice hard every day... trying to improve my singing, dancing, and everything. Our fans have supported us so much, I don’t want to let them down. Because if they leave me, I really have nothing.” His lips form a small smile but his eyebrows are taut in glum expression. "Really pathetic of me huh."

Jongdae opens his notebook and jots things down in point form. _Baekhyun lacks confidence in his own abilities, have insecurities comparing himself to his other members._ He better write all these down before they leave his working memory.

“You said you feel stressed. How do you destress? Unwind? So you don’t feel stressed and ready to do things again,” Jongdae asks. 

Baekhyun ponders for a while, then he answers, “I play games. LoL, PUBG, sometimes simple games like Candy Crush too. It helps me take off my mind from what is stressing me, but sometimes it kinda… stress me further,” he giggles, “I am competitive, you know. I want to win and why play games if you don’t win?” Baekhyun pouts.

His answer is so honest it makes Jongdae break into laughter. He is such a young kid inside. Jongdae looks at him fondly. Pouting makes Baekhyun looks very cute, Jongdae has to control himself not to reach out his hand and mess his hair. Seeing Jongdae laugh and smile probably makes Baekhyun feels lighter, his unique rectangular-shaped smile appears again. Jongdae wishes Baekhyun can just keep smiling happily like this, it suits him much better. 

Jongdae finishes jotting down the last of his notes and smiles at Baekhyun. “It must not have been easy, but thank you for sharing,” he said kindly, “Is there anything you want to share, maybe?”

“No, I don’t think so?”

“Hmm I do have some questions for you,” Jongdae ponders which one to ask first. "Have you ever felt any of these: rapid heartbeat, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath, chest tightness, nausea… when you feel too stressed?" 

Baekhyun shakes his head, "I don't think so? But I did feel restless at times and had trouble sleeping—especially when there's a lot in my mind."

“Do you prefer spending time in the crowd, social situations, or alone?” Jongdae asks.

“Alone. Usually, after schedules, I just go back home, rest and play games”

Jongdae raises his eyebrows. "Hmm, any reasons?"

"Although I may appear talkative, I don’t really feel comfortable in the crowd for a long time, especially with people I don’t know well," Baekhyun frowns. "I worry about what they think of me. I am an idol so people tend to have a lot of expectations. I worry if I appear friendly enough, not making people scared or assume that I’m arrogant… if I look okay, if I am talking too fast or blabbering until people don’t catch what I’m saying... Okay, I'm doing it now. Anyway. Stuff like that. I usually try to talk about general stuff and joke around. Sometimes it’s hard for me to get close to people, I’m kinda wary of being attached." Baekhyun's expression looks gloomy.

Interesting. "Oh, why?" Jongdae props his hand on the desk, resting his chin on it while keeping his attention on Baekhyun.

Baekhyun's eyes look glassy. He lets a loud sigh before continuing, "Sorry.. my dad passed away when I was younger... and my mom had a new boyfriend, but not long after, my mom moved me to live with my grandmother. Feels like whenever I have someone close to me, it was taken away from me. Kinda like trust issues. I worry if I get too close to someone, something will happen so they leave me." He takes another tissue and excuses himself before facing away, wiping his tears.

"I’m sorry to hear that." Jongdae has some patients who have lost their family members. Sharing about it opens an old wound, it is understandable that some people may feel very emotional about it. Jongdae waits for Baekhyun to recover. 

Some moments later, he does, taking some deep breaths and his expression seems calmer when he turns to face him. "Sorry about just now."

"No worries, losing family members is never easy." Jongdae gives an assuring smile. "Thanks," Baekhyun replies.

Jongdae nods, jotting down more things in his notebook. Once he is done, he looks straight at Baekhyun, a bright warm smile on his face. "Thank you very much for sharing all these with me, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun leans on his chair with a content smile. Something that he has kept bottled up inside and burdening him for a long time are lifted up. “And thanks for listening to my rambles too. I don’t know why, but I feel much better now. Light.” 

“That’s my job to help. I’m glad it makes you feel better.”

Something passes in his mind and Jongdae bends down, rummaging through his drawer. He finds what he is looking for and sets it down on the table. 

Jongdae pushes the book across the table towards Baekhyun. “Here is a journal. Other than sharing with me, you can write here. Whenever you feel uncomfortable, happy, have any changes in mood, if you feel stressed, troubled, or anything, you can write them here to let them out. I don’t expect you to write every day, but if you can, that will be nice.” He takes it and flips the pages around, Jongdae finds it amusing. The journal is new, he has never used it before so it is totally empty. He doesn’t mind giving it away, Baekhyun might need it more than him anyway.

There is a knock on the door, revealing Kyungsoo. “Baek, are you done?” he walks in the room, mindful in case he disturbs them. “I think we are done, thank you, Manager Kyungsoo,” Jongdae replies for him.

Kyungsoo nods and pats Baekhyun’s shoulder. “Sorry Baek, can you go out for a while? Go to the toilet first or probably grab a drink. Sehun is outside. I need to talk to Dr. Kim.” Baekhyun grabs the journal and stands up. Just before he opens the door, he waves at Jongdae and Jongdae waves back, smiling.

The door shuts close. Kyungsoo steals a glance behind, ensuring that Baekhyun really has left the room, then sits in front of Jongdae, leaning forwards. Jongdae reads the situation and asks softly, “What is going on?”

Kyungsoo sighs and says in a low voice, like a whisper. Jongdae has to lean in close to hear what he is saying. “Actually, just this morning, Baek was found in his apartment. His apartment was messy, lock broken and Baek looks very off. I wonder if there was something that happened the night before that caused Baek to be like that.. Maybe something traumatic? He stayed quiet until midday. He was never like that, it worries me. Although when we arrived here, he’s already back to normal.”

Jongdae nods in understanding. “I promise I will find out more and help him. By the way, thanks for contacting me and trusting me to treat Baekhyun, although we haven't met for a long time since high school.” Kyungsoo smiles and bows in thanks. 

"Does he need any medication or something?" Kyungsoo asks. "Let me know if Baek needs anything, the company gets it covered."

Jongdae ponders, thinking and weighing, before opening his mouth. "I don't think he needs medication for now. Just try to make him relax, not stress himself so much. As for appointments, usually, I ask my patients to come here at least two times a month; but I understand Baekhyun may have a tight schedule so I leave it to you to arrange." 

Kyungsoo bows, getting ready to leave the room. Jongdae adds, “Oh, please remind Baekhyun to write on his journal whenever he can.” 

"Sure. See you next time, Jongdae"

\--

#### July 5

Hello, this is Baekhyun. I guess this is the first entry. I got this journal from Dr. Kim who insists to call him Jongdae. I would say he is a very interesting man. The first time I met him, I was dumbfounded. I don't really believe in God but if an angel exists in this world, it is him. He is just so kind and radiating with goodness... I've never known someone so kind other than my late grandmother. Probably just me being unlucky, born in a broken home with no love. 

He is so attentive and very expressive. His reactions and facial expressions as I tell the story of my life… He is interesting. That eyebrows.. the eyes that always focus on me… His warm smiles... I don't know, there is just something about him that makes me feel at ease—at home. I never meet him before but I ended up telling a lot of my worries that I never even told my members who I consider close. My heart feels so light after sharing with him.

\--

## Appointment 2 - July 13

"Jongdae, are you free today?" 

Kyungsoo's voice can be heard once Jongdae picks up the call; his voice laced with urgency and distress. 

"Yes, I am free.. is something wrong?" 

"It's Baek."

Jongdae stands up from his seat immediately. "What happened?" 

There are some rustles heard among the static, Kyungsoo is probably in the middle of something. His voice returns some moments later. "Sorry, something came up. I will text you in a while. Are you free in like, the next one hour, or two?" 

"Yes, you can come in."

"Thank you Jongdae. We will be there soon." Kyungsoo hangs up the call and it causes Jongdae to pace the room in worry, anticipating what is about to happen. Kyungsoo wasn't being very specific. And since Baekhyun is his patient, Jongdae feels responsible if anything were to happen.

His phone buzzes with several notifications. Jongdae unlocks it and reads the recent messages: "Sorry for the abrupt phone call. Today CBM has a schedule but in the middle of it, Baek suddenly became strange and very different from usual. Cold and defensive. The members noticed, I think some fans as well. I hope it's not too damaging. I will tell the details once I'm there."

Strange? Cold and defensive? Jongdae has only met him once, but those adjectives don't feel right to describe Baekhyun. While waiting, he decides to inform the receptionist to direct Kyungsoo and Baekhyun should they come to the clinic. He opens his notebook and flips to the page where he wrote about Baekhyun some time ago. Is it an anxiety attack? Or something else? 

Multiple loud footsteps can be heard from outside his office and he opens the door. Kyungsoo gives him a small bow and rushes into the room, a confused-looking Baekhyun trailing behind him. The atmosphere feels tense suddenly.

"Be honest. Did that fan harm you?" Kyungsoo presses.

Baekhyun looks back at him in confusion. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you this Kyungsoo-ya, she didn't. And honestly, afterward, I don't remember what happened. What, did I collapse or something? What's… going on… even I don't know."

Kyungsoo sighs in exasperation, rubbing the spot between his eyebrows. Jongdae sits there behind his desk, dying to know more. He knows better to wait than probe. But Jongdae hates being in the dark. "What... happened?" Jongdae carefully asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

Kyungsoo briefly explains that earlier that day CBM was having a fan sign with 100 fans. Everything was alright, fans came up on stage one by one to have signatures, until one of the fans came in front of Baekhyun and squeezed his wrist. Baekhyun seemed startled but when he calmed down, he became cold and defensive, frowning at the next fan, even seemingly glaring when talking to her. He remained guarded for the next fans, only giving tight-lipped smile and quietly signing while glancing around cautiously, unlike the usual cheerful sunshine Baekhyun.

"Wait, I did that??" Baekhyun gasps, his expression very surprised. Kyungsoo and Jongdae stare back at him with eyebrows raised. How come he didn't know what happened? 

More footsteps approaching and the door opens. The man who walks in has an ash-coloured hair, a small round face and a big cat-like pair of eyes. He bows and Jongdae stands up, noticing that this man is about his height. Jongdae outstretches his hand which the man shakes and introduces himself, "I'm Kim Minseok. Thank you for taking care of Baekhyunnie."

"I'm Jongdae," Jongdae smiles warmly, which Minseok replies with a grin. 

The door opens again. A small thud and "Ow" can be heard, the man who enters hits the door frame. He has a funky-colored hair, a mix of white, pink, violet, and others, reminding Jongdae of cotton candy. Once he is in the room, Jongdae has to look up to see his face, realizing how tall this person is, and his noticeably unique pair of ears. When shaking his outstretched hand, Jongdae notes that this man has a large hand, big enough to envelop his hand. "I'm Park Chanyeol," he introduces himself, giving a slight bow and charming smile. Jongdae remembers Baekhyun's comment about Chanyeol before, and he agrees, Chanyeol is very good looking. 

Following him is another man, tall like Chanyeol, his hair dark brown and cut short, his expression flat putting on a poker face. “Oh Sehun, I’m their other manager,” he says, giving a slight bow before joining Minseok and Chanyeol to sit on the couch by the wall. 

Jongdae takes another good look at everyone, remembering their names and observing their personality from the way they introduced themselves and sit. Minseok seems concerned, leaning forward with elbows on his knees. Meanwhile, Chanyeol seems like a more chill person, his position more relaxed, leaning on the couch. Sehun sits on the armrest next to Chanyeol, he seems stiff, either shy from meeting a new person or maybe that’s just how he looks. 

He clears his throat and starts, “Okay, since everybody is here, I assume, let’s get back to the topic. Kyungsoo just told me what happened earlier today.” 

Chanyeol raises his hand and Jongdae lets him speak. “I was sitting next to him - we were sitting like Minseok hyung, me then Baek,” he speaks in a warm baritone voice, his fingers pointing out the positions. “I was attending to my fans so I didn’t really notice Baek was different until I heard him speak. Cold. We spent a lot of time together but he never speaks like that so it surprised me, honestly.”

Minseok glances at Baekhyun before returning his sight on Jongdae, “Honestly speaking, this is not the first time I see Baekhyunnie acting different from usual. Sorry to spill the beans, Baekhyunnie,” Minseok gives an apologetic smile. “Sometimes when we are in situations where I can say it feels um, uncomfortable, he can be different… quiet and defensive. I first thought it might be because he felt stressed or nervous… but… okay, I heard this story before.” 

He joins his palm and fidgeting his fingers as if weighing whether he should spill or not. “Back when we were trainees, I didn’t get to meet Baekhyunnie often before we finally get chosen to debut, but I heard a lot of things about him. He has a lot of talent and potential. He was dubbed a super trainee for training only for four months in MS Entertainment. A lot of trainees were envious,” Minseok pauses, tilting his head at Chanyeol. “I don’t know if Chanyeollie ever heard of this before, but I heard gossip of an incident. They said Baekhyunnie got into a fight with one of the trainees who kept harassing and bullying him. I don’t know if this is true though. The next day I met Baekhyunnie and asked him about it, but he didn't know. And I don’t see him as a person who would do that kind of thing.”

Baekhyun tilts his head trying to recall but then looks down. “I don’t think I remember, hyung,” he replies. “Sorry.”

All these signs are pointing to something, Jongdae realizes. There is a possibility, but to be sure, he needs to get something out. 

“Thank you for sharing, everyone. Is there anything else you would like me to know?” Jongdae asks, hoping to find something else to confirm. All of them shake their heads.

“Okay then, you can leave. Thank you,” Jongdae stands up and gives a bow. One by one they leave the room, leaving Kyungsoo and Baekhyun who stay seated. Baekhyun looks at Jongdae as if he wants to say something. Jongdae notices it and sits down. “What is it?” he asks softly. 

“Is there something wrong with me?” Baekhyun asks in disbelief. 

Jongdae picks his words carefully before replying, “I need to confirm some more things. Earlier you said you often forget that things happen.” Baekhyun nods. 

“Do you ever find yourself in situations where you don’t know how you get there, or what you did before that?” Baekhyun thinks a while and nods again. 

“Was there any situation where you find things in your room that you don’t remember buying or people you met who you never know but they seem to know you?” 

Baekhyun tilts his head as he answers, “About people, I don’t think so, but I think I remember seeing some albums in my room I don’t remember buying, and some additional songs in my phone.”

“I see.” Jongdae opens his notebook and jots it down. “Let me know if you feel something else. And uh, for easier communication if appointments may be difficult to arrange, you can have my number.” Jongdae takes his card and passes it to Baekhyun. He takes his phone and keys something in. Immediately, Jongdae feels vibrations from his phone in his pocket. 

“That’s my number,” Baekhyun says. “Don’t randomly give it out to anyone though,” he adds with a small smile and a wink.

"Huh? Why would I give it out? Don’t worry.”

\--

#### July 13

We had a fan sign event today. Weirdly, I can't remember some part of my day. This has happened before but I don’t have a journal back then. Chanyeollie, Minseok hyung, and the crew are looking at me weirdly. They tried not to stare or act like there is something wrong, but I can feel that something happened. Then we went to the appointment and Kyungsoo said that I was acting differently from usual at the fan sign. Minseok hyung also told a story from back when we were trainees saying I beat up a trainee before. I don’t remember it happening though? Or rather, I don’t think I would do that. I don’t like everybody but I am not gutsy enough to confront someone I don’t like—even more to punch and fight them.

What is wrong with me? This reminds me back when I was in school, some people looked at me weirdly—some in fear even. Why though? It’s not like I bite… right? Oh wait, I did playfully bite hyung, Chanyeollie, Kyungsoo, and Sehunnie at times but not like an actual attack kkkk 

\--

## Appointment 3 - July 31

Jongdae feels vibration from his phone and he takes it out of his coat pocket. The screen shows the caller ID to be Baekhyun. His name makes his heart race. Did something happen? They have exchanged messages before, Baekhyun is just as talkative on texts and sometimes sent random stuff that makes Jongdae laugh, but this is the first time Baekhyun called. He picks up the call, Baekhyun’s voice immediately heard the second he picks up. "Hello Jongdae, this is Baekhyun. I hope I’m not interrupting."

His voice sounds shaky, which Jongdae catches with his sharp observation. He asks, “Baek, are you alright? You sound unstable.”

“I'm not okay. Can I come over? Where are you?”

“I'm still in the office,” Jongdae replies, relaxing on his seat with eyes fleeting at his office interior. He is at the end of the shift now, but seeing how things turn out, most likely he will not be able to go home on the dot today.

“Okay, I will go there. Wait for me.”

True to his words, Jongdae remains there waiting for him at the clinic lounge with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. Baekhyun arrives at the clinic, clad in an oversized t-shirt and training pants covered with a windbreaker, also complete with a snapback and a face mask to disguise himself. He waves at Jongdae, who waves back and approaches him. "Thanks for staying."

"No worries. My patient needs me." Jongdae smiles, trying to comfort Baekhyun. He looks left and right, startled to see him alone. "You are alone? Where is Kyungsoo?"

"I come alone. I told Kyungsoo I will practice alone today until late and tell him to go home. I don't want to disturb him by calling him back," Baekhyun smiles weakly.

"How about your other members? Does anyone know you are here?" 

Jongdae opens the door to his office and sits on his desk. Baekhyun follows him and takes a seat on the chair opposite him. He relaxes, stretching his arms. "Minseok hyung is busy with meetings and such. There are so many things in his mind, I don't want to burden him further. Chanyeollie is with the producers, working on projects. I don't want to disturb any of them so yeah." 

Jongdae sighs and makes a mental note to inform Kyungsoo later. "Oh okay, so what can I help you with? Tell me about your worries."

"I have 2 major worries at the moment." Baekhyun sits straighter, slightly leaning forward facing Jongdae. "One is.. probably you remember me telling about it, the agency is making a major project, a collab between their artists, called SuperM. I am unsure if it is for the good or bad… I got chosen from CBM to be part of the project. In the group, there are some other artists: like Taemin sunbae from senior group SHINee, a soloist called Kim Kai, Taeyong and Mark from NCT, and Lucas and Ten from WayV. All of them are so good-looking. I, once again, feel like a pile of shit next to them all," he snorts, that glum gaze appears – "Taemin sunbae, Kim Kai and Ten are so good in dancing, I kid you not. Their movements are so… flawless. If I already envy Minseok hyung's skills, they are like gods of dancing. All 6 of them have really strong charisma too. I feel so small among them all. I don't know why I am there, why I got chosen.”

“What makes you think that way?”

“Hmm… If they want a good dancer, they could have picked Minseok hyung, and if they want someone good-looking, there's Chanyeollie. Why… me?" Baekhyun looks down, his tone feels sad and burdened.

Jongdae thinks for a while. "There must be a reason. To form a group, they need someone with the right things like skills. Something that only you can do. I think that's why you got picked."

"I don’t know… My vocals, maybe?" Baekhyun ponders for a while before continuing, "And.. to make it worse since I happen to be the oldest, they all chose me as their leader. Me? A leader? No way. How to lead people when I, myself, is a big freaking mess? I don't want to, but some part of me tells me to be professional and just swallow it in, taking the challenge head-on. So yeah, yay, I am SuperM's leader." Baekhyun laughs bitterly but the mood quickly shifts to solemn again, making Jongdae concerned.

"Baek, why do you think you are a mess?" Jongdae comments, “Honestly speaking, I don’t think you are.”

“Hmm… I mean, leaders are supposedly calm, they know what to do. It's totally not me,” Baekhyun replies, fidgeting. 

"Well, there are various kinds of leaders. I think they chose you because they know what you can do and believe in you."

"I know… but yeah… I'm afraid to let them down.” Baekhyun’s eyes are downcast but perks up again the next moment. “Anyway, this project is the most performance-oriented I have ever taken part in. Can you believe that the entire song is like a dance break? That's how tough the thing is. We practice day and night, and we are getting there." 

Jongdae can somehow picture a performance filled with intense choreography from start to finish. "That sounds tough," Jongdae responds.

"Yeah.. For me, although it is nerve-wracking, it is exciting to work with other artists I have never worked with before. Everyone is so amazing, I have to buck up and continue improving, if not I will be left behind," Baekhyun's expression grows more determined as he speaks. Jongdae nods, noting new things he observes from Baekhyun.

"What breaks my heart is… the fans don't seem to take this project as excited and as hopeful as we do. On SNS, I don't know why people react so negatively towards it. They even trended a hashtag to disband SuperM. I feel so hurt inside." Baekhyun frowns, his voice is filled with pain, making Jongdae's eyebrows raised in concern.

Baekhyun exhales, lightly pounds on his chest and continues, "We are working hard to please the fans and make them happy… our song is not even out yet... well, don't get me wrong, some fans do support this… but I didn't expect such a negative reaction. I don't know what I should do, Jongdae." Baekhyun looks up at Jongdae, his expression is a mixture of desperation, sadness, and pain, breaking the psychiatrist's heart. "The members know about this and I have been saying words of encouragement, although I think it may feel empty because I am full of doubts myself. But, thankfully, the SuperM members are so professional, they believe in me and follow me. I don't know if it is out of pity or out of respect, or if they just don't want to tell me, but yeah. At least I don't have additional headache with internal fighting or whatsoever."

Jongdae is glad that despite the challenges Baekhyun faces, he has good people with him. He hums in response. "Well, I don't know the members well but there is definitely something they see in you Baek. I saw the videos of your performances." 

Baekhyun perks up, his eyes sparkling bright in excitement. "Oh really? Thanks. What do you think?"

Jongdae recalls some videos he watched. "I think they are awesome. You are not as bad as you think, Baek. You are shining on stage. Full of charisma. And your voice is so beautiful." Jongdae says with a soft smile. "That's what they see in you. A diamond. Someone with the right skills and works hard. You are amazing, Baek. Believe in yourself more."

One tear comes rolling from his eye. Jongdae lifts his thumb and gently wipes the tear away from Baekhyun's face. He realizes that his gesture might be too close for comfort, he apologizes.

"It’s okay, I don’t mind. I'm okay with touch actually. Sometimes my members complain that I'm too touchy," he grins. "Thanks a lot, Jongdae, really. I hope this project is a success. I don't know how, seeing the negative reactions we have now, but I must have faith."

"It will," Jongdae says warmly. Baekhyun doesn't know why, but looking at his psychiatrist's bright and reassuring smile makes his heart slightly lighter.

He huffs and starts talking again. "The second one, don't tell anyone about this yet. Company top secret." Jongdae makes a gesture like zipping his mouth and nods, he understands he won't say a word of this.

"We, as in CBM, are coming back with a new album very soon, like in three months, I think. New concept and style, different from what we have done so far.”

“Oh really? While this SuperM project is ongoing too?” asks Jongdae.

“Yeah. It is more tiring since I have two things going on now…” Baekhyun lets out a sigh.

“I hope you are taking care of yourself, Baek.”

“Don’t worry, I am. We are progressing but I feel so anxious and stressed. I keep worrying, what if the fans don't like it like how they don't like SuperM? What if we disappoint them? The song is challenging and the choreography difficult too. I keep practicing but I don't feel it is perfect yet. What if I mess up and ruin the performance?" Baekhyun feels his heart pounding faster and he gasps for air. It sucks, his anxiety is back when he talks about things that worry him.

"Relax," Jongdae's voice feels very soothing. Baekhyun closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "Baek? From what I hear from you, you are working hard and I believe hard work always bears fruit. You will do fine." He adds with a small smile. 

“Thanks, really.”

“How do you feel about your job though?” Jongdae asks, “Is it something that you still love and enjoy, or…?”

Baekhyun shrugs. “Sorry for ranting earlier... It doesn’t mean I hate my job okay...” He doesn’t want to appear whiny and overly negative. 

“You don’t need to apologize. Jobs can be stressful at times.” Jongdae leans in, his eyes full of understanding. 

Baekhyun’s mouth forms a smile, grateful to find someone who understands. He continues, “Despite everything, I love my job. I love singing, I enjoy performing and meeting my fans on stage. I am blessed with a good voice and I wish to express myself with my gift while blessing others too. I want people who see me, listen to my songs, to feel love and feel happy.” 

That’s very noble, Jongdae thinks. “That’s really nice of you,” he compliments.

Baekhyun smiles sheepishly, seems embarrassed. He scratches the back of his head. “And this one may be selfish but… but being on stage makes everyone’s attention fixed on me. Cheering for me, calling my name, pouring their love... Sharing energy... All these rush of adrenaline are so precious and addicting, I want to keep experiencing that forever. I want to cherish them, making sure I don’t disappoint those who love me.”

Jongdae notices how happy Baekhyun is when talking about his passion, how his eyes sparkle and the soft smile he has makes Jongdae want to look at them forever. 

"Use those thoughts as your driving force instead of worrying. Don't listen to the haters. Their response is not something that you can control. It will stress you further,” Jongdae’s tone is affirming. “Don't worry so much about results. Just do your best, focus on what you do. That way, at least you won't have any regrets." 

Baekhyun nods but he still looks uneasy. Jongdae stands up and offers, "Want some water?"

"Yeah, thanks."

He returns with a cup of water, which Baekhyun receives gratefully, taking in gulps of water a bit too fast and he coughs. Jongdae sits by his side, patting his back gently to ease the coughing. "You okay?" he asks. It's a gesture that Baekhyun finds weirdly therapeutic. He recovers from his coughing fit.

"Thank you. I feel a lot better now."

"Glad to know that," Jongdae flashes a smile, so bright and comforting. Baekhyun smiles back, his cheek flushes seeing a sight so beautiful. 

Time is ticking into the night. Jongdae doesn't mind listening to Baekhyun's rambles, but both of them should have some rest. "You should go home, it is late. How will you get home though? Did you drive here?"

"No, I took a taxi. I am worried sasaeng will follow me since they recognize my car, so yeah."

Jongdae's eyes show concern. "Oh dear. That is dangerous actually, did you get mobbed?"

Baekhyun ponders, rewinding memories of the taxi ride. Earlier it was a quiet night and a peaceful drive. "No, I don't think so?"

"Let's take my car instead. It is in the basement." Jongdae stands up, taking off his white coat and hangs it on its place. He takes his car key from the drawer and invites Baekhyun to follow him.

When they reach Baekhyun's apartment, there are two unfamiliar girls in front of the door. Sasaengs most likely, seeing how they pick the lock, trying to break into his apartment. Jongdae can feel Baekhyun stiffen beside him. He turns to see Baekhyun looking startled, closing his eyes, leaning to the back as if he is falling backward. Everything feels like in slow motion. Jongdae reaches out his arms, trying to catch Baekhyun in case he falls. But Baekhyun regains his balance, his eyes open wide. He stands straighter, fixing his jacket. His aura feels intimidating, like a different person. Jongdae doesn't know how to react so he just stays quiet looking at this Baekhyun approaching the two girls.

"Hey."

The girls were shocked, covering their mouths. They quickly bow again and again. "Baekhyun oppa! We are sorry!"

"Your names?"

One girl looks up, "I'm Hyerin". She elbows the other, who looks up a while but then keeps her head down. She blurts her name, "I'm Wanyi".

Baekhyun crosses his arms, leaning on the door frame. Jongdae can't see his expression from his position but he can hear what he is saying. "Hyerin and Wanyi. If I see you two here once again, I will make sure MS Entertainment won't let you two in any of CBM future events. Understand?" His tone is chilling and deep, bottomline scary, so unlike the chirpy and anxious Baekhyun who sat in his office sharing his worries earlier.

"Yes oppa. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. We won't do this again," they keep repeating it as they retreat, and running away as they pass Jongdae. Jongdae just stands there frozen. This is definitely a new sight to him.

"You are probably surprised. This is Hyun. Pleasure to meet you." Jongdae just nods, trying to observe this other personality. Baekhyun's on-stage persona is usually active, cheerful and cute, reminding him of a corgi puppy. The Baekhyun who sits for the appointment is usually softer and vulnerable, making Jongdae want to protect him. This personality, Hyun, is very different. His aura feels strong, intimidating, dominating. Definitely not idol-like but Jongdae can't help feeling attracted like a magnet.

Hyun unlocks the door, gesturing Jongdae to come inside the apartment. "Can I even come in? I am not the manager," Jongdae says, unsure.

Hyun turns to look at Jongdae. "Baek is safer inside when he is not alone. Hyun is sure you want to know some things about Hyun too." He stares at Jongdae, waiting for his reaction. Hyun got him. Jongdae is definitely dying to know more about this personality. 

"Alright," he replies, stepping his foot inside. Hyun follows Jongdae inside, murmuring, "Tell the manager to change the damn lock." Jongdae flinches, he has almost never heard Baekhyun cussing.

Jongdae takes off his shoes. The door shutting close and lock rotating behind him. Inside the apartment is still dim, only being lit by a small lamp near the door and another near the window. He is not sure where the main light switch is, so he just waits. 

To his surprise, Hyun approaches, putting his hands on both sides of Jongdae's body, trapping Jongdae against the wall. Jongdae gasps. Under the dim lighting, Hyun looks even more intimidating. The small light only shows a portion of his face, making his features look sharper, his expression darker. His face gets closer and closer but Jongdae is stuck between Hyun and the wall. This is too much intrusion into his personal space. 

“Hyun, what are you doing?” 

This seems to knock some sense into him. Hyun pauses in his movement and backs away, sliding his hands inside his jacket pocket. His cheeks turning slightly red but his lips curl into a smug smile. “Sorry. Just that... You are so attractive, Hyun can’t help being pulled in.” 

Jongdae feels his cheeks heat up. It has been some time since he dates someone and he does feel something more for Baekhyun. Not just care and concern as a psychiatrist to his patient, but more. But this straightforward? 

“Uh okay… Honestly, I don’t find myself attractive, but thanks,” Jongdae shrugs, scratching the back of his ear, feeling shy. He is not supposed to be attracted to his patient.

He feels Hyun’s gaze locked on him. “Hey, no need to be so humble. Hyun believes many have said that to you before,” Hyun replies, adding a wink. 

Can he even flirt back with his patient? Jongdae feels like smacking his head and knocking some sense into himself, but with Hyun looking at him intently with his magnetic aura, that teasing smirk, this much interest, Jongdae’s brain slows down its processing.

“I-I don’t know about that,” Jongdae barely manages to form a coherent sentence. He looks away, trying to get himself together and adds, “I’m occupied with my patients for the moment.” 

Their positions are still quite close together and being near Hyun makes his heart beat erratically and mind cloudy. Jongdae needs some space to clear his mind. “By the way, can we like, sit down or something? You said you will tell about yourself.”

“Oh, yes,” Hyun finds the light switches and flicks them on. The apartment interior is now basking in light. Jongdae can see the living room and a sofa by the window. He is about to sit on the sofa but Hyun’s hand stops him.

“We can talk in the room,” he tilts his head to the side, gesturing Jongdae to follow him. Jongdae's eyebrows raised. To him, a bedroom is the most private part of the house. Letting a stranger like him inside signifies Hyun may trust him enough to let him in. However, it may also lead to something else, seeing that Hyun almost kissed him earlier. Jongdae can’t help feeling wary. But he decides to follow anyway.

Hyun opens the door and lets him in. The bedroom is quite ordinary: there is a bed, wardrobe, with a computer sitting on a desk. He remembers Baekhyun likes to play games to unwind. He decides to sit on a chair next to the computer. 

Hyun crashes on the bed, letting out a loud sigh of relief. Seeing him relaxing reminds him of how Baekhyun stretches and relaxes when he is in an appointment. “Are you back to Baekhyun or still Hyun?” he asks.

A deep voice replies to him, "Still Hyun." It doesn’t sound like how Baekhyun usually speaks to him, meaning that he hasn’t changed back.

"Does Baek know what you are doing?"

Hyun cocks his head, amused, “No. Hyun takes over completely.”

“So, every time you are taking over, Baek won’t know?” Jongdae asks, curious.

“No, he won't. Why do you ask?” Hyun shifts his position, propping one hand on the bed and resting his head on it. He gives Jongdae that teasing look again. “You want… something?”

Jongdae's jaw drops. “What? Nothing,” he huffs and looks away. “I studied about dissociative identity disorder before, but this is the first time I have a patient with it. I just want to know how it actually works.” 

“If this helps; Hyun knows every single damn thing that goes in Baek's life. Hyun sees it all,” Hyun replies, “even when Baek is in control.”

His answer makes Jongdae turns his head back to him, eyes open wide in fascination, excited to learn more. "Tell me about you two. I want to know." He takes his phone and raises it up in the air, signaling Hyun that he is about to use it. "Can I record this? It's for my reference so I can help you both.”

Hyun chews his lips, weighing. "Okay. Which part?”

“Everything. From the start, if you may,” Jongdae is curious. There is a possibility that Hyun knows a lot, which may give him hints about Kyungsoo’s concern. 

It is followed by a long silence between them, but Jongdae is patient. When else will he have this opportunity again? He waits for Hyun to start. Hyun rubs his chin, eyeing Jongdae with a hard expression. “This will be quite long."

"I have all night," Jongdae sits up straighter, a pair of eyes fully on Hyun, eager to listen.

Having someone so attentive makes Hyun sigh, he decides to give in to his psychiatrist's curiosity. He sits up on the bed and tells Jongdae everything. That Baekhyun comes from a middle-class family, struggling to make money. He has an alcoholic father who often beat up his mother and sometimes him too, either with his belt, cane or bare hands whenever he felt stressed, or when he felt Baekhyun wasn't obedient or not doing well enough in school. Their house didn't feel like home. Instead of love and care, it was filled with tension and terror. That was how Hyun was born, protecting Baekhyun. He took over whenever he heard his father got home drunk and wanting to hit someone, so Baekhyun had no knowledge at all of the abuses. 

Jongdae remembers something. “So the scar on your back..”

“That was from father, yes. One day, he hit mom especially hard, freaking loud. Hyun was worried father might beat mom to death so he jumped in between. It was damn painful,” Hyun shudders as he said it, “Until now Hyun still remembers that godforsaken night.”

Hyun continues his story. Some years after, dad died in a drunk accident. His mom had a new boyfriend, more of an affair, but his so-called stepfather wasn't any better. His mom takes odd jobs. Baekhyun was told she worked the night shift, but Hyun knows the truth that she worked at nightclubs as a hostess. Somehow the class knew about it and spread false rumours, they often picked on him during school. Hyun stepped up and beat up those who dare bully Baekhyun, making some students afraid of him and leaving him peerless, except for one senior student Junmyeon who took pity on him.

One day, his mom's boyfriend did sexual advances on Baekhyun. Hyun took over already and thankfully managed to escape. His mom found out about the incident and decided to break up with her boyfriend, moving Baekhyun to stay with his grandmother. Finally there Baekhyun got the love he needs. His grandmother praised his nice singing voice and encouraged him, so he joined a band during high school as the vocalist. When they performed on a gig, he got noticed by a talent scout, offering him to audition. He passed the audition and became a trainee in MS Entertainment. However, his happiness didn't last long since the grandmother died of old age not long after he became a trainee. He was all alone again until he found another family in CBM.

Jongdae listens intently until the end. He realizes that tears pooled in his eyes. He quickly wipes it away. He can't believe someone so young went through so much in his life. Baekhyun, Hyun, both of them, are very strong people. Once Hyun finishes his story, Jongdae throws himself at Hyun, arms around him, giving him a tight hug. He deserves to be loved. His hand reaches Hyun's hair, stroking it gently over and over. "You are very strong. You have been suffering for so long. You can rest now," he says what is in his heart, full of sincerity.

Hyun sits frozen at the sudden affection. Jongdae's gentle voice causes something to snap inside him and tears begin to roll uncontrollably from his eyes. He tries to stop it but tears just keep coming out. He buries his head in the crook of Jongdae's neck tentatively, slightly worried that he will ruin the other's shirt. 

"It's okay, it's okay," Jongdae murmurs softly in his ear, his hand keeps patting him, "Just let everything out." 

And Hyun does, letting out the sadness, fear, pain, everything that has been long bottled inside. Both don't know how long they stay in that position - Jongdae hugging him with Hyun crying on his shoulder. Jongdae feels his legs a bit sleepy but he stays in the position, determined to be there for Hyun.

\---

Jongdae wakes up that morning to a bedroom with beige colored walls and black curtain drawn over a window, an unfamiliar room. He is definitely not at his own place. Then he remembers what happened the night before. Hyun told him about Baekhyun and him, crying his heart out until he was tired and fell asleep. Jongdae laid him down the bed and tucked him in. Not long after, exhaustion took over him and he too dozed off. 

Baekhyun is still deep asleep beside him, looking peaceful. Jongdae carefully gets off the bed to not wake him. He sees a mirror on the wall and man, he looks like a mess with his bed hair jutting in every direction. Jongdae finds a comb on top of the dresser, using it to tame his thick black hair. He considers taking a shower, but he remembers having spare clothes, toothbrush, and toothpaste prepared in his car. He can at least change and refresh himself a bit later. 

Finishes tidying up, he puts on his shoes and leave. He texts Kyungsoo and asks if he can arrange an appointment as soon as possible. Jongdae also asks Kyungsoo if Baekhyun has any guardian or anyone close that Kyungsoo thinks he should know, and ask them to come to the appointment. There is no reply yet, so Jongdae decides to go to work. 

One thing makes Jongdae curious. Hyun mentioned having a senior in school called Junmyeon. By any chance, is it...?

As Jongdae walks into his office, he passes an office room belonging to a senior psychiatrist and also the owner of the clinic. In the past few days, the room was dark since the owner was away, but today it has light shining from the inside. Jongdae has no hesitation. He knocks on the door, and only after hearing "Yes, come in," he enters the room. 

The man behind the desk is good looking with very pale skin that doesn't seem to ever tan in contrast to his black hair, wearing a stylish grey button-down shirt beneath his white doctor's coat. A new pair of glasses sits on his nose bridge. He looks up from his pile of documents to see who just came into his office, "Oh, it's Jongdae. Good morning."

"Good morning. Junmyeon hyung, it has been a while," Jongdae smiles. Junmyeon points the seat in front of him, gesturing Jongdae to sit down, which he does.

"How is everything so far? Anything that burdens you?" Junmyeon asks softly as he flips open a folder and skimming through them. He looks up in apology, "Sorry if I seem distracted. There are so many documents to take care of after my leave."

"No worries hyung," Jongdae replies easily. "Just wondering if you ever know someone called Byun Baekhyun."

"Byun Baekhyun... that name feels familiar." Junmyeon stops looking at his folder, now pondering at the ceiling, trying to recall his memories, then his eyes light up. "Ah, I remember now. Baekhyunnie. One of my junior in elementary school, if I'm not wrong.”

Bingo. Jongdae asks, “Oh, how was he? Anything weird about him?”

“He was bright and a nice fella, although... poor kid. I think back then his father passed away, and some unpleasant rumour spread. I didn't know who started that but some guys picked on him. I remembered one day some folks ganged up on him shoving his head down the toilet. I was around and I wanted to stop them, they went too far. But before I could act, Baekhyunnie suddenly emerged like a totally different person. He punched the shit out of his bullies and walked out of the toilet. His uniform was all drenched though, so I ran to him offering a spare uniform."

"That's really nice of you hyung," Jongdae comments. Junmyeon shrugs and waves his hand off, "It's nothing." He wants to help, not to be praised.

"I spent more time with him after that. Eating lunch together and walking home since we happened to stay in the same area. Thankfully he didn't get bullied as much afterward. Probably because of how he stood up against the bullies; he scared the shit out of them. After I graduated, I lost contact with him though. Until one day, I turned on the TV and he was there. On a music show. He is in an idol group now, I think. I couldn't believe how much he has grown. He seems happy. I am glad he is," Junmyeon ends his story with a fond smile. Jongdae realizes that his hyung cares for Baekhyun.

"Why do you suddenly asked though?"

Jongdae takes a deep breath, thinking his words carefully. "He is one of my patients, and he once mentioned having a senior named Junmyeon, which apparently is you, hyung."

"Oh?" Junmyeon's facial expression changes, looking amused, "What a way fate brings us together. What did you diagnose him with?"

"I hope this is not counted as disclosing confidentiality," Jongdae feels awkward, he lets out a stiff laugh. Junmyeon gives an understanding look, so Jongdae continues. "He has anxiety and dissociative identity disorder."

Junmyeon leans back on his chair. "Figures. It was very, very obvious back in the school days. Did you meet both of them?”

"Yes, hyung.”

“I thought he had become better, knowing his job... but probably is best that now he gets treated. Did you prescribe any medication?"

Jongdae shakes his head, “No. His anxiety is relatively mild and his other personality is understanding, so I figured he doesn't need medication, at least for now."

"Good judgment. What he needs is more on support," Junmyeon nods in agreement, "Someone who can give good advice as well to support him, care and listens to him. And I believe you are more than capable to do that."

Jongdae shrugs, "Ah hyung, you give me too much credit." He tries to be humble and honestly speaking he doesn't think he is that good. Junmyeon looks at him assuringly, "You can do this."

Suddenly there is a knock on the door. "Yes, come in," Junmyeon replies. The door opens, revealing the receptionist. "Dr. Kim Junmyeon, someone just came for a walk-in and wishes to see you." She hands over a folder and Junmyeon receives it, looking through the content. 

Jongdae stands up from his seat. "I guess I shall make my way now. Thanks for talking to me, hyung."

"No worries, Jongdae. Let's talk again later."

Jongdae closes the door and walks back to his office. Baekhyun’s, Hyun’s and Junmyeon hyung’s story all match. Jongdae now knows that Hyun is being honest with him, and he can trust Hyun to tell him more about Baekhyun’s situation.

\---

## Appointment 4 - August 5

Few days later, Kyungsoo finally texts him a date and time. Jongdae stares upon seeing the message, pondering how to best explain what is happening.

That day, only Kyungsoo and Baekhyun come. Initially, Kyungsoo wants to invite Minseok, Chanyeol, and Sehun too but they have other schedules. Jongdae doesn’t mind, he just needs someone to accompany Baekhyun who is close to him, knows him well and also cares about him.

But he does mind the sight of Baekhyun sitting in front of him. His face, his eyes, everything brought him the memories of the other night, how Baekhyun, or rather, Hyun, was so close, almost kissed him, teased him and made his heart race. Focus, focus. He has to focus. Be professional. Jongdae takes some breaths and clears his throat before starting. 

“How are you feeling today Baek?”

“Quite tired since I come straight from practice, but other than that, I’m okay,” Baekhyun replies nonchalantly. 

He really doesn’t remember that night? Jongdae tries to dig out more. “Is it? Did anything happen since the last time you visit here?” 

“Last time?” This time Kyungsoo speaks up. “Was it the one after the fan sign?” 

Jongdae shakes his head. Then it dawns upon him. He totally forgot to inform Kyungsoo that Baekhyun visited alone for the previous appointment. “Sorry Kyungsoo, I totally forgot to inform you, but Baek visited here alone before this appointment.” He forgets the date so he quickly opens his notes and checks before continuing. “Like five days ago.”

Kyungsoo’s brows furrowed. Jongdae doesn’t feel comfortable seeing it, it feels like he has done something wrong. Kyungsoo frowns at Baekhyun. “Alone? Why don’t you tell me? I could have accompanied you,” Kyungsoo’s tone is upset but worried. 

Baekhyun gives him a sheepish smile. “You are my manager but you also have a life outside CBM, so I don’t want to trouble you.” He also shows his puppy eyes. 

Kyungsoo’s glare softens and he sighs. “You know that some people are not happy with the new project, what would we do if they disturb you? If something happened to you?” He lightly smacks Baekhyun’s thigh and the other just grins. 

“Nothing bad happened that night, don’t worry,” Baekhyun smiles, assuring his manager. “I just visited here and shared with Jongdae. He drove me home afterward. I’m safe.”

Kyungsoo turns to Jongdae, “Sorry for troubling you and thank you for taking care of our Baek,” he bows down. Jongdae shakes his head and raises from his seat, trying to get Kyungsoo to stop bowing. “It’s okay… He is my patient, he is my responsibility.” 

Once they are both seated, Jongdae flips the pages of his book, checking the notes. “Okay, the last time you were concerned about the SuperM project and the comeback. Is everything alright after that? Do you still feel… you know...” 

“I was in doubt of why they chose me to be a part of SuperM. I asked our dance coach and he told me. Like you said, they see something in me. They need a strong vocalist who also have exceptional dance skills and can learn things fast. I asked my members if they too were offered for SuperM and you know what? Minseok hyung recommended me to join instead. I feel so grateful. Hyung believes in me so much.” Baekhyun’s eyes are slightly glassy and he lets a small smile. “Chanyeollie said he is occupied with his other projects now so he declined.”

“Then I chatted and asked the SuperM members during break. Why they chose me as the leader? Other than I’m the oldest, they said I make them feel comfortable even at our first meeting. That I made them smile and feel energized, they feel they can trust me. And because no one wants to lead.” He giggles when he speaks. 

Jongdae adds in his notes and observes Baekhyun. He looks less burdened now compared to the other night, it makes him relieved. “I’m glad you manage to find out your reason. Is the hate message still going though? You mentioned some people trended a hashtag to disband the group and such. Did that still bother you?”

Baekhyun tilts his head and shakes it. “There are still hate messages on SNS, but you are right Jongdae, it is not something that I can control. Sometimes I’m still sad, but I should focus on the things I can do. If they hate SuperM so much, I must work even harder to perform better, to make them look at us and change their opinion.” He smiles confidently, determined. “That’s what I told the other members too. We must give our absolute best even if people hate us. Because we are performers, we show them cool stuff and wow them.”

That’s really an improvement. Jongdae nods happily as he writes his notes. He puts down his pen and looks at Baekhyun straight in the eye. “Baek, I’m really proud of you.” 

The combination of what Jongdae says and his bright smile makes Baekhyun blushes. He looks away, slightly embarrassed. “I still have a long way to go though.. To be a good leader… and SuperM debut date is still far away.” 

“You can take things step by step,” Jongdae adds assuringly. “There is a process to everything. You are in the right direction already.” 

“Thanks, Jongdae,” Baekhyun glances at him briefly before looking down, touching his cheeks because he is embarrassed. He is so cute like this, it makes Jongdae smile and want to hug him, but there is a more pressing matter at hand.

“Baek, last time I asked you if you ever find yourself in situations where you don’t know how you get there, or what did you do before that. Did it happen recently?” 

Baekhyun sits straighter and ponders. “Speaking of that… I think I remember when I came here by myself, and I remember getting home with you, but I don’t remember getting inside the apartment. The morning I woke up, I was already in my bed.” 

“Okay. I was with you and…” Jongdae pauses, “You changed. As in changing personality. I saw it with my own eyes.”

“Wait, what?” Baekhyun’s eyes wide and his jaw drops. This is surprising. 

“Baekhyun,” Jongdae takes a breath before continuing, “You have dissociative identity disorder. That is why you sometimes forget what happens, there are gaps between your memories, and why others see that you behave differently at times. To put it simply, you have multiple personalities.”

Jongdae gauges Baekhyun’s reaction. He finds Baekhyun’s eyes on him, his mouth gapes open, stunned. Kyungsoo looks at him worriedly, then back at Jongdae. “It is not bipolar? I thought he might have phases where he feels down and stuff but… I don’t expect it to be multiple personalities. How does it work, by the way?” 

“Dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Some said it is a defense mechanism, the person shuts himself off from a situation or experience that is too traumatic and thus created a separate person. You can say that there is more than one person inside. The other person may not have the exact same personality as the other," Jongdae explains.

Jongdae takes out his phone. “That night, I talked with Baek’s other personality, or alter if you may say. I have it recorded, by his permission of course. I can let you listen to it.” 

Kyungsoo nods. Still too stunned from the new flood of information, Baekhyun remains quiet. Jongdae takes it that they are okay to listen, so he unlocks his phone and finds the audio file. He clicks on it and the audio plays. 

"Hyun has been with Baek for a long time, although he probably doesn't know shit about it, and Hyun thinks he doesn't need to know. Hyun is happy to just be there and protect him from harm." 

Jongdae presses on his phone again and the audio stops there. Baekhyun recognizes his voice, but at the same time, it feels foreign. It is his voice whenever he sings in low register, but not the tone he usually speaks with. It feels weird to hear someone speaks in his voice but the choice of words, the way he speaks - everything - is so different. It confuses him, overwhelming his senses. 

The silence feels very awkward. Baekhyun lets a stiff laugh, breaking the tension. "This is not real right? How…"

Jongdae looks at him with a serious expression. "Sorry Baek, but this is real. I met your other self. You can hear it in the audio too." 

Baekhyun stares back at him. “I don’t believe it. So, you are saying that there are two people inside of me? Which one is the real me?”

“Yes, there is you and Hyun in there,” Jongdae replies. Baekhyun bites his lower lip, visibly annoyed. Jongdae notices it and adds, “Okay, wait... it may be hard to comprehend for now, but you are not like the others. You are special, Baek.”

"Special? You mean a freak?," Baekhyun unconsciously raises his voice. He feels his heart beats rapidly, breaths getting faster. 

"No, you are not a freak. There are people like you in this world, although not a majority. Realization is always hard at first, Baek," Jongdae explains patiently. He reaches out his hand trying to comfort him. Baekhyun swats it away, although he regrets it the next moment when he notices the hurt in Jongdae's eyes. 

"I need some time alone."

He stands from his seat and goes behind the curtains, lying on the examination bed. The hardness of the bed feels uncomfortable. The air conditioner in the room is colder than the last time he was here. He hugs his knees, trying to find comfort and warmth. Everything feels weird, so weird. 

‘Who am I? Am I Byun Baekhyun or someone else? Which one is the real me?’

His phone buzzes once. He checks the notification and apparently Jongdae sends the audio clip. He locks his phone and keeps it away, his mind too fuzzy to listen to it right now. All he wants to do is just curl there in silence, away from the truth, from reality, from the rest of the world.

"Baek? Talk to me please, I'm worried seeing you like this." 

He barely registers Kyungsoo's voice until he shakes his shoulder. He looks around and they are in the van now, Kyungsoo sitting next to him, his eyes filled with concern. Baekhyun feels bad seeing his manager worrying over him, so he decides to speak. "Do we have any other schedules after this?"

Kyungsoo replies, “Just the usual lessons.” His tone is neutral but Baekhyun can see worries in his eyes. Probably he still looks out of place. Honestly, he doesn’t know if he can concentrate on his lessons after the shock from today’s appointment. Kyungsoo seems to sense his doubt and he adds, “But if you still need time, I will talk to the teachers.”

Baekhyun feels grateful that his manager is observant. “Thanks, Kyungsoo-ya.”

Kyungsoo gives a slight smile and shrugs, “Just this one day though. You gotta get yourself together Baek, we have an event tomorrow.”

\--

Baekhyun opens his eyes, back in the comfort of his bed. He still doesn’t believe that he has multiple personalities. But something clicks though. If there are two of him, it kind of explains why he doesn’t remember things at times. Most likely it was the other personality coming out and pushing him inside, blacking him out. He doesn’t know how to feel about having someone else inside of him. It makes him curious, but at the same time wary. What if the other him is up to no good? He remembers watching a movie where the main character has 23 different personalities and it scares him. 

He overheard Jongdae saying it to Kyungsoo earlier. "We can somewhat associate or join the alter together through therapy and time so it is less disconnected, but unfortunately, there is no medicine—no magical way to make it disappear completely. It is a part of him." Kyungsoo asked if Baekhyun is going to be crazy or psychotic and if it will hinder his job, which Jongdae calmly assured that it won't. However, Jongdae asked Kyungsoo and the people close to him for cooperation to support Baekhyun whichever personality he is on, and he will try to find out the trigger to reduce instances of personality change.

Baekhyun sighs. Whether he wants to accept it or not, his so-called personality has already ‘split’ from him and they will never join as one again. 

If it is something that he has to live with for the rest of his life, he might as well find out. He takes his earphones and plugs them in his ears. He decides to listen to the audio clip. To find out the truth. Also about his other self. 

The more he listens, the more he discovers the missing puzzle pieces in his memories. Confusion, fear, and sadness wash over him interchangeably as he listens to the audio clip. Baekhyun heaves, his chest feels tight and uncomfortable. It aches.

"You are very strong. You have been suffering for so long. You can rest now." Jongdae's comforting voice can be heard. A tear rolls down his cheek. One more rolls down. He also hears soft sobs from the audio, probably Hyun was crying too.

As if Jongdae knows that he has been crying, Jongdae's soft voice soothes his ears, "It's okay, it's okay. Just let everything out." 

And he does, letting all his pain and heartache out in screams, sobs, and tears. Cursing his life, his damned past, questioning why things turned out this way, why he is left alone, why he has to be different, why he has to have this condition, why it can’t be healed and why he has to live with it. 

But then he remembers Hyun, his other self, also went through so much, even worse, just to protect him. Both of them suffered. 

For the first time, Baekhyun knows he is not alone in this. 

He takes deep breaths and decides to play some music to calm himself. He feels slightly better. 

Hearing the audio clip makes him curious about Hyun. Who is he actually? The conversation didn't reveal much besides their backstory. Baekhyun opens his journal and decides to write.

\--

#### August 5

Today has been quite shaking for me. Jongdae told us that I have dissociative identity disorder, or what people commonly known as multiple personality disorder. It sounds quite cool and scary at the same time? That I can be Baekhyun one time and another person the other? I wonder what my other personality is like.

Hey you there, if you are listening, or reading, or whatever, please come say hi.

I'm Byun Baekhyun, nice to meet you.

What are you? A human or no?  
How old are you?  
How will you describe yourself?  
What is your wish? Dreams? Goals in life?  
Anything you like or dislike?  
Any message for me?

Okay, this sounds a bit funny, but I really want to know you more.

\--

## August 7

Baekhyun finishes his schedule and decides to write in his journal about the day. He takes a pen and flips the pages open. 

There is unfamiliar handwriting after the last page he wrote. To his knowledge, both of his managers, Kyungsoo and Sehun, know about the journal but never touched it. And he trusts them. He decides to read the handwriting.

_Hey Baekhyun. You may just know Hyun, but Hyun has known you for a very long time._

_As to reply to your questions:_ _  
_ _\- A human_ _  
_ _\- 21._ _  
_ _\- Straightforward. Hyun says what he means. Go for the action, not just shit talk._ _  
_ _\- Hyun just wants to protect you from harm. And maybe find some peace._ _  
_ _\- Likes: rock music, peace, any good food_ _  
_ _\- Dislikes: bullshit, injustice, bad people, bullies, sasaeng_ _  
_ _\- Don't worry, Hyun is not problematic. If anything, Hyun will protect you. Always._

So this is Hyun. Other than their way of speaking, their handwriting is very different too. Baekhyun writes a reply.

\--

Oh, you are 21? Younger than me?? That's… interesting kk  
Are you always 21 or you grow up as I do?

\--

#### August 8

_It has always been like this since Hyun was around._

—

I see..  
Must be nice to be forever 21.. kkk  
Btw so you like rock music? Ah… now I see why there are some albums on the shelves. 

I am more into r&b but I think you have a good taste!! I like the songs too. 

—-

#### August 10

_Really? Hyun is glad that we share something in common._

\---

Anything else? Probably favorite food or things you can’t eat?

—-

#### August 11

_Nothing. Hyun can eat anything._

—-

Really? Anything? Even cucumbers?

—-

#### August 12

_Yes._

—-

Oh great. I can switch to you whenever I have to eat things with cucumbers then… kkk

—-

#### August 13

_…_

_You are weird._

—-

In a few days, the pages of his journal are filling up with conversations between himself and Hyun. In between his practices, lessons, workouts and recordings, getting to know Hyun brings excitement to Baekhyun, as if he has just made a new penpal. Hyun doesn't write immediately every time, but Baekhyun is eager to know more about his counterpart, anticipating his replies. 

He learns more about what makes him tick and not. Baekhyun doesn’t enjoy physical education but Hyun does. Baekhyun likes Marvel superhero movies while Hyun prefers Lord of The Rings. Although they have many differences, they both have interests related to arts. 

He shares his discoveries with Jongdae over texts since his schedule is currently packed and doesn’t allow them to meet for appointments. Jongdae is receptive about it and asks how are they doing every now and then. Baekhyun admits that at first, he was wary of his other personality, but the more he learns about Hyun, he slowly learns to accept him, even treating him as a friend.

\--

## August 19 

Stretching his arms and leaning on his chair, Jongdae is glad to finally finish his shift for the day. He is in the middle of taking off his white doctor coat when his door suddenly creaks open. He turns, seeing who just came inside: someone wearing a bucket hat and a face mask. The mystery man removes his hat, revealing a familiar pink hair. The lowered mask shows his unique rectangular-shaped smile, air of confidence surrounding him.

Jongdae’s mouth gapes open. “Baek? I thought we don't have an appointment today?”

"Yeah, we don't. Just want to visit you. It has been a while, Jongdae." A deep voice replies. This is Hyun he is seeing right now.

“Hyun? Is anyone else with you?” Jongdae asks, looking expectantly at the door in case someone else comes in.

“No, Hyun is alone.” A smug smile appears in his face as he leans against the wall. 

Jongdae sighs, not this situation again. “Uh, okay. Anyway, have you eaten? It's dinnertime.” 

Hyun opens his mouth about to answer but is interrupted by a loud grumble. His cheeks flush almost as pink as his hair in embarrassment. Jongdae laughs, “I guess that's a no then. What do you want to eat?"

"Hyun saw a pojangmacha nearby here. Can we eat there?"

Jongdae vaguely remembers the place, yes, there is one nearby. "I'm okay eating that... but are you ok going in public places to eat? I mean, Baek is a celebrity." Jongdae holds the door open, letting Hyun pass through before turning off the lights and closing the door.

Hyun shrugs, "Don't care, Hyun is hungry." 

Jongdae waits until Hyun puts his hat and mask back on before leading Hyun out, walking side by side. The sky is dark navy and the lights are already turned on, illuminating the buildings and street. People in office attire crowd the street, either busy staring at their phones or talking to each other. Jongdae walks quietly among them, Hyun tags along closely, trying not to draw attention. 

There are some tents set up by the street. Jongdae approaches a tent, Hyun follows afterward. It has been a long time since Hyun last been in one. The noise of people sitting on the plastic chairs around the counter, either munching, chatting, chugging soju or blowing smoke from their mouths. He can smell various delicacies, freshly cooked, put on the display. He looks left and right. Jongdae waves at him excitedly from a corner and he joins him.

"Good evening, ahjumma," Jongdae greets the stall owner warmly with a bright smile. Hyun observes with delight. He never sees Jongdae interacting with anyone other than Baekhyun, the members and the managers, so it is a refreshing sight. It appears that Jongdae is just as warm and nice to strangers. 

The old lady smiles back at him, seems happy that someone talks to her nicely. "Good evening, young man. What do you and your friend want to eat?"

"It has been some time since my friend eats out, maybe you can give something special for us?" 

The old lady giggles. "You are such a nice young man, of course, I can. Anything else, a drink maybe?"

Jongdae eyes Hyun, his gaze is very expressive Hyun knows what he wants to ask even without him speaking. "We can share a bottle if you want," Hyun says. 

"One soju please, ahjumma, thank you." 

One green bottle is delivered to their table along with two glasses. Jongdae opens the bottle and pours it into a glass, offering it to Hyun. He is about to pour for himself but Hyun interjects, taking the bottle from his hand. "Thanks," Jongdae replies with a grin.

Hyun lowers his face mask and takes in one shot. The warmth of the liquid fills his throat and spreads to his chest, making him sigh in contentment.

"You seem happy," Jongdae smiles at him. 

"Been a while since Hyun drinks. Feels damn good."

Hmm. Not to generalize, but alcohol and nightlife are usually quite closely associated with a celebrity's lifestyle. Jongdae carefully asks, "I thought you guys have after parties and such."

Hyun puts down his glass and Jongdae refills it. "We do have after-parties, but Baek can't drink. Like… just two or three gulps and he's out already. So his managers never give him any alcoholic stuff. Hyun is sad." 

Another interesting finding for Jongdae. "So you are saying that… other than character differences… then Baek mentions your different handwriting… your preference and physiology are different too."

Hyun hums in reply. "There was one time Baek wrote. He freaking asked if he can change to Hyun when he has to eat cucumbers. What a weird guy." He pouts.

"Cucumbers? Really?" This makes Jongdae chuckle, crinkles appear around his eyes. Seeing his hearty laugh somehow makes Hyun's heart feels light, and happy too.

“For you, young men,” The old lady smiles and passes them two bowls filled with various dishes. Jongdae thanks her with a smile. He lowers his head making a quick prayer, then picks his chopsticks and starts digging in. 

It amuses Hyun seeing how cute Jongdae is when he eats; his eyebrows furrowed as he chews and tastes the food, and his little happy smile after finding it delicious. "This is so good," Jongdae comments. Hyun looks at his own bowl and takes a bite. It’s good.

“How is it? You like it?” Jongdae asks once Hyun has swallowed his bite. Hyun nods, “Hyun misses eating these. Since Baek debuted, it is very hard to go out.” He glances at his bowl and chuckles, “And Baek is not supposed to eat fried stuff. Hyun likes these but Hyun bet Kyungsoo will be mad as hell if he knows.” 

Jongdae may not have a life like Baekhyun, but he can sympathize. This is the downside of being someone popular. Other than people having high expectations of him, hate message on SNS, and sasaengs following him around - even breaking into his apartment, he can't even eat at pojangmacha without worry. 

Nevertheless, Jongdae enjoys Hyun’s company. He talks less than Baekhyun - which Jongdae appreciates, despite the constant glances directed towards him, and the air of intimidation. He notices some strangers have been throwing glances at them either curious or scared, more likely at Hyun… but other than that, Hyun is just like any other guy who enjoys food and eats well. 

Noticing that their glasses are both empty, Jongdae lifts the bottle and pours the content. Hyun takes his glass and stops in the air, looking at Jongdae. Jongdae gets it. He lifts his glass as well and bumping it to Hyun’s. Clink. A toast.

“Honestly I usually drink alone,” Jongdae admits after downing his glass. 

Hyun puts his glass on the table and looks at Jongdae. “How about now? With Hyun?” To make it worse, he adds a wink.

Jongdae feels his cheeks heat up and stumbles in his reply. “I guess… it’s not so bad.” Hyun grins. Flustered, Jongdae focuses on his bowl instead.

Finished with their food and drink, Hyun claims he’s sleepy. Thankfully Jongdae didn’t drink much and offers to drive him home. They walk back to the clinic. 

The street has considerably lesser people now and quiet, Jongdae feels they can talk. “So... how did you come here? Driving?” 

Hyun shakes his head. “No, Hyun walked. The agency is very near here actually.”

“Oh really?” Jongdae asks. “Then how about the last time you visited at night? Baek said he took a taxi.”

“Oh, that,” Hyun replies casually, putting hands inside his jeans pocket as he walks. “The training building was further away. You have to drive from there to here.”

“I see...”

They enter his car. Hyun sits on the passenger seat, his head leaning towards Jongdae. When Jongdae reaches for the handbrake to start the car, their hands brush against each other. It sends him electric jolts, making his heart race.

Jongdae shakes his head. Focus. He has to concentrate on the road. None of them speaks during the journey, but the silence feels comfortable as if there is no need to open their mouths and start a conversation.

Jongdae insists to accompany until they reach his apartment unit, worried in case sasaengs visit again. Hyun unlocks the door and steps in, but then he turns around, facing Jongdae. “Thanks for today,” he says.

“You’re welcome and thanks for your company too. Good night,” Jongdae smiles, giving a small wave at him. The next thing Jongdae registers is Hyun leaning closer, his lips brushing against his cheek. He pulls back and winks. The door shuts close.

Jongdae stands there in the hallway, dumbfounded. The spot where Hyun kissed him is still warm. He raises his hand, touching it, trying to make sense of things. What just happened? Why is his heart beating so fast? And why did it make him so happy?

\--

Baekhyun finds himself back in the apartment. After showering he decides to greet his fans on SNS. He opens the app and the first thing he does is searching his name, hoping to find some amusing tweets from his fans for him to comment on. 

There is a recent tweet with a photo, posted not long ago. The caption is “Baekhyunnie was eating out today!” Huh? Did he? Baekhyun raises his eyebrows, rethinking what he did that day. He didn’t remember.

He clicks on the picture, curious to see what it is. The photo is not very clear and taken secretly from a bad angle, but he can see himself and someone else sitting beside him. He recognizes Jongdae’s features. The surrounding seems like in a pojangmacha. There are some replies underneath the tweet and he scans through it. Thankfully, no fans suspect anything, they thought Baekhyun was eating out with a friend. 

His eyebrows furrow in annoyance. So, this evening Hyun took over his body without telling and went to eat out with Jongdae? His gut churns uncomfortably, making him feel a surge of emotion. Upset. It feels unfair.

Baekhyun huffs. He opens the journal, angrily writes on it.

#### August 19

Hyun!! You shouldn't take over without permission!!  
What if more fans see?? What if they harm you???

\---

#### August 20

_Sorry. Hyun just misses Jongdae so much._

\---

You miss Jongdae?  


What?????

Hyun… do you like him?

\---

#### August 21

_How can you not like him? He is beautiful. Attractive. Attentive, kind and caring too._

_Hyun won't give up without a fight. Even if he may not reciprocate for now, Hyun believes he has feelings for us too._

\---

## August 21

There is no one in the pantry when Jongdae walks in. He is in the middle of refilling the bottle with water when his phone vibrates. He puts down the bottle and checks his phone, wondering what was the notification about. There is a text from Baekhyun apparently. He unlocks the phone and reads the content, which sends him giggling. 

“Uh, Dae?”

Jongdae turns around and it takes him a second to register that there is another person in the pantry, dressed neatly yet chic in white doctor’s coat, white shirt, and black slacks. The black-haired man holds a cup in his hand and Jongdae realizes that his position right now is kind of blocking the water dispenser.

“Oh Yixing hyung, sorry,” Jongdae apologizes and moves away so Yixing can use the dispenser. 

“It’s okay, no need to be so polite,” he looks at Jongdae and smiles warmly, two dimples decorating his cheeks. Jongdae replies with a meek smile. Although this quirky colleague of his insists that it is okay to talk casually to him and together with Junmyeon they have hung out together on some occasions, Yixing is older and Jongdae can’t break the habit of speaking formally towards his elder. Besides, Yixing is Junmyeon’s partner, although he focuses more as a general practitioner.

Yixing lifts his cup and sips from it, his eyes meeting Jongdae’s. “Heard your laugh earlier... Something on?”

“Yeah, I got a funny message from Baek.”

His expression looks very confused. “Who's Baek?” he asks.

“He is my patient and my friend too,” Jongdae replies. Yixing nods in understanding, noticing that Jongdae has some affection in his eyes as he talks, something that he never sees in Jongdae when he is talking about his patient. Yixing suspects that their maknae in the clinic may have feelings for this Baek person.

“I see… Dae, by any chance, are you interested in him?”

Jongdae chokes on his drink upon hearing that question. He coughs and quickly shakes his head, “Huh? Not like that hyung..” he whines. “I guess I’m just fond of him because he’s nice and funny.”

But Yixing knows better. Eyes are the windows to one's soul, and the way Jongdae's eyes sparkle with affection tells Yixing everything. Jongdae is dedicated and kind, too kind for his own good sometimes. His positive personality makes people happy, and he deserves someone who makes him happy too. Yixing just worries if Jongdae might put others' happiness above his, like how he usually does in the past few years he knows Jongdae.

“Mmm… Whatever it is, just make sure to separate work and personal life. And you deserve happiness too,” Yixing advises, patting Jongdae’s shoulder on his way out. 

\--

Baekhyun lies in the comfort of his bed after finishing his lessons of the day and washing up. He wants to continue conversing with Hyun, but his body is spent after the tiring dance practices with SuperM today. He wonders if there is a way for them to communicate without a journal. Sometimes he is just lazy to sit and write. So he decides to go to sleep.

He rarely remembers dreaming in his sleep but tonight it feels different. He finds himself standing in the middle of someplace he has never been, surrounded by shallow water splashing at his feet. There are no traces of colour, only shades of darkness. Not the kind that scares him. Instead, the darkness feels familiar, comforting.

“Hello? Is anybody here?” 

He looks around and something draws him to a direction. A small light appears in his vision. Curious, he approaches it, walking faster towards the light.

He sees someone there. At first, he can only see his back, but then the person turns to face him. Baekhyun feels like seeing his reflection in the mirror. At a glance, the person seems similar to him but after looking closer, they are not quite the same; his hair is pure white, his eyes are intense and sharp, the irises colored silver, his features seem sharper. Ethereal. There is a string of chain across his face, and piercings decorating his ears and lips. He is dressed in a sleeveless black combat outfit, exposing his toned arms. Quiet strength and resilience radiates from him. He looks like a warrior from a fantasy world.

"Baek," he calls out. Baekhyun recognized this voice and the low tune, this person in front of him must be….

"Hyun?" he tentatively asks, checking his guess.

The man manages a small smile and nods.

Baekhyun wakes up abruptly. He blinks and rubs his eyes, the image of Hyun still stuck on his mind. His dream feels so real.

\--

## August 22

Baekhyun doesn’t go to the agency building often, but today he has to attend the briefing in preparation for SuperM music video filming and jacket photoshoot. As he waits near the elevator, he spotted one of the higher-ups in the company coming out from the elevator. He gives a polite bow, but the man barely nods and continues in his steps.

_‘Hmph, so cocky.’_

Baekhyun swears he hears someone saying something. He looks left and right but there is no one around him in the elevator.

_‘Acting so important, not even acknowledging someone who makes money for the damn company?’_

He hears it again. Is it a ghost? Is he going crazy? Once the elevator reaches his destination, Baekhyun quickly runs to the bathroom in panic. He stares at his reflection in the mirror. In just a few moments, he hears the voice again. 

_‘Why is he going here instead, hmph.’_ The voice huffs sounds annoyed this time.

Baekhyun checks around him. The cubicles are empty, there’s no one in front of the urinal and the sink, only him alone. This gives him goosebumps. “Who are you?” Baekhyun asks, terrified. His voice cracks. “Who are you that is talking to me and why can’t I see you?”

 _‘Baek? Of course, you can’t see, Hyun is inside of you.’_ He can hear the voice laughs. _‘Sorry for surprising you. Hyun doesn’t know you can hear.’_

Baekhyun observes his reflection. Nothing has changed, his face remains the same, his mouth not moving even when he hears Hyun talking. He doesn’t know that they can communicate like this. Fascinating.

He checks his watch. There is still time before the meeting, so he decides to test something out. Instead of talking it out, he voices it in his mind. “I had a dream where I saw a man with white hair and silver eyes. He looks similar to me but not exactly the same. Is it you?” He silently prays that it will reach Hyun. It’s kinda cool if he can do that, like a telepathy thing.

_‘So you saw. Yeah, that’s Hyun.’_

Baekhyun is delighted. So that’s how it works. “You are… ethereal. Are you a warrior, by any chance?”

He can picture Hyun smiling as he replies, _‘Yes. Ready to protect you.’_

“Wow.” Baekhyun feels a lot safer like this already. Just for precaution, he adds, “Hyun, listen. I’m going to attend an important briefing later. Since only I can hear you and not everyone there knows my condition, I need your cooperation. Please stay quiet for me okay?” 

_‘Mm.’_

\--

The hours of briefing finally ends. They will start filming next week, and it will be done not in Korea, but overseas. This makes Baekhyun excited but also worried because he will be far away from Jongdae and thus, he won’t be able to visit in case he suddenly feels uncomfortable, anxious, or other negative stuff. 

He has to clarify as soon as possible.

“Hello Jongdae? It’s Baekhyun,” he starts the conversation once the call is picked up.

“Hello Baek,” Jongdae’s sweet voice greets his ears. “Anything I can help you with?” 

Baekhyun leans against the wall with a phone on his hand, debating how to say it. “Hmm, this may sound really freaky… but I started hearing Hyun’s voice in my head. Is such a phenomenon possible for people with multiple personalities?”

“Yes, it’s possible," Jongdae replies. "To be honest, I'm surprised you didn't experience it earlier. In some of the case studies I read, people with your condition may experience it long before they decided to ask for help. I guess Hyun has been nice to you. It also can be because you were not aware of your condition before." 

Baekhyun silently reminds himself to thank Hyun. Having heard him said short sentences earlier already gave him the creeps, he can't imagine having his voice in his head 24/7. He might have gone mad. 

"And uh, one more thing, if Hyun happens to take over, must I black out every single time? I'm not saying that Hyun did that often; but just as… precaution, you know." Baekhyun is really curious about this. He can't let Hyun take over without his knowledge, wandering in another country. 

"Hmm.. you don't have to black out every time." Jongdae's reply grows a little hope in him. "Based on what I studied, it is possible to share consciousness between personalities. It is called co-consciousness, so you don't totally black out the moment Hyun assumes your body."

"Wow, that's really cool. How do I do that?" Baekhyun is excited to know.

"It requires trust and communication with the other personality. Different people have different ways to do it," Jongdae replies, "I suggest, try to find out what works for you and Hyun. Probably start with where you two meet each other in your subconsciousness."

\--

Baekhyun is falling. His surrounding is black, slowly lightening up as he goes deeper down. He arrives in a place like a garage, seated in his beloved Audi. That's weird. 

"Welcome." 

A deep voice greets from the back of his head. Startled, he turns around in his seat. Hyun is behind him, waving casually from the back seat with a smile on his face. 

“What is this place?" Baekhyun asks, his eyes fleeting around. It is definitely the interior of his Audi RS7, "Why I’m in a car?”

Hyun replies, “You are in the subconsciousness. But not so deep like our first meeting. It is somewhat… like a middle ground."

Silence fills the space as Baekhyun stays there, blinking his eyes. There is a lot of new things to take in. The garage has no doors or shutters. In front of the car is a black, blank space. Behind, there is some distance between the car and something like a lounge with couches and a cozy sofa bed. The walls are filled with picture frames from when he was young until now. There is also a rack with stacks of boxes, god knows what is inside there.

So many questions raised in his mind, but then he hears something. The voice feels distant, but it's there.

"Hyung! Hyung! Are you asleep?"

He recognizes the voice. Sehun. Followed by silence.

"Baek? Byun! Baek! Hyun! Hey, wake up!" It's Chanyeol's voice this time.

"What happened?" Minseok's curious voice chimed in.

"Minseok hyung, can you call for help? He isn't responding." 

Oh no. His breathing goes faster, erratic. Fear starts overtaking Baekhyun, making his body starts trembling. How to get out of this space, back to consciousness? His eyes are darting all around, looking for a door, or a window, anything to get out of here. Nothing.

He must have looked like an idiot because Hyun chuckles. He glances at the front window as if giving a hint. Baekhyun is dumbfounded. 

Hyun sighs. "Take the car, you dummy. Or shall Hyun do it?"

Baekhyun shifts to the passenger seat, letting Hyun climbs in front before he moves to the back seat. Hyun starts the engine and drives straight into the empty space in front. The next moment, Baekhyun can see Sehun's face looming over him on the front window. 

"Baekhyun hyung?" His face lacks expression but his tone is worried, Baekhyun knows that Sehun cares deep inside. 

He wants to say something, letting Sehun know that he is okay, to reach out and pat his shoulder, but his hand doesn’t move, no words are said. He has no control over his body. He can only watch the scene unfolding in front of him. It frustrates Baekhyun. "Hey Hyun, what is happening? Why can't I do anything?"

Hyun turns to face Baekhyun, his expression triumphant. "Hyun is in control now, that's why."

Realization clicks in his mind. So this is how it feels when Hyun peers in and talks in his mind. It is cool to see his life from a different perspective—sitting back as if watching a movie. But at the same time, it is also unsettling, knowing he can’t control and impact what is happening.

“Do you get it now?” Hyun cocks his head, the movement causes the chain dangling from the side of his face to swing as he speaks.

Baekhyun nods. “Let’s switch, I need to go back.”

“Alright.” 

He can hear his own voice. “Give Hyun a moment.”

The front window turns dark when his eyes shut close, the car reverses then stops. Hyun opens the front door and walks out, leaving the driver seat available for Baekhyun. He re-enters to the back seat. 

Baekhyun climbs in front. “So when I’m behind the wheel, I am in control. At the backseat, I get to watch what is happening but has no control. But when I’m outside the car, I’ll black out, like that?” 

Hyun nods. "Sorry to black you out sometimes, Hyun felt danger so Hyun has to take over by force."

"Well, since we both know now, next time please let me know before you switch, okay?"

Hyun nods.

Baekhyun knows the drill now. He puts his hands on the steering wheel, foot stepping on the engine and the car moves forward. 

He opens his eyes and sits up, scanning his surroundings. They are still in the training room with him on the sofa, Sehun is still in front of him, with Chanyeol at the side. Baekhyun tries to blink. It works. He tries moving his head left and right, and the body follows as he wishes. Relief wash over him. He is back in control.

"Hyung, what happened?" Sehun asks. 

"I switched just now... And now I’m back… not so okay but I'm awake." Baekhyun smiles, assuring him. 

Sehun looks at him, amazed. "Kyungsoo hyung did mention about your condition. So... just now… was it the other guy?"

"Yeah. But now I'm back," Baekhyun replies, hoping to ease the worry in Sehun's eyes.

Chanyeol looks relieved. "Baek, you scared me. I thought you passed out." 

Baekhyun corks his eyebrows in confusion. Chanyeol is exaggerating. "Huh? Why? I'm just taking a nap."

"You were so still, like a log. I called you but you didn't respond," Chanyeol frowns, putting one palm on Baekhyun's forehead and another against his own. "Not a fever definitely. But still, it's rare to see you taking naps during lesson break. You ok? If you need more rest, let us know, we can wrap up today's practice."

The door opens, revealing a concerned Minseok, with a staff behind him. Seeing him awake, Minseok rushes to him. "Baekhyunnie, you alright?" 

Baekhyun shrugs, giving a sheepish smile. "Well, I'm awake now right?" He turns to Chanyeol. "I can still continue. Let's go back to practice. Sorry about earlier." 

\--

## August 24

“Can you come over? Need to tell you something in private.”

Jongdae stares at the message from Baekhyun. It is quite weird for him asking to meet up. Once, he sneaked around and did a surprise visit, twice if Hyun’s visit was counted. He wonders what Baekhyun wants to tell him, is it something so private that he can’t leave the house? Jongdae is free later that night though, so he types a response, “Okay, I will come. Do you need anything, dinner maybe?” 

“That will be nice," is the reply he gets.

Some time later, Jongdae stands in front of Baekhyun’s apartment with take-out food in his hands. He presses the bell and waits. Not long after, the door opens, revealing Baekhyun in comfy t-shirt and track pants. 

“Thanks for coming.” His voice is low and the aura makes Jongdae know right away that this is Hyun in front of him.

“I brought dinner,” Jongdae grins, lifting the plastic bag. Hyun’s expression lights up. Both of them walk in. Jongdae takes the containers out and set them on the table in the living room, along with two cans of beer. He initially didn’t intend to take out the beer in case it was Baekhyun who messaged him, but it appeared to be Hyun who he knows like to drink. 

"Why you invited me out of the blue, by the way?" Jongdae asks.

"Hyun misses you," he replies, "Hyun wants to hang out and eat with you again, but last time Baek and some fans found out," he chuckles, "so to avoid more eyes, Hyun invited you here." He smirks at Jongdae, which the other replies with a whine, followed with a chuckle. They eat in silence, enjoying the food. 

Finished eating, Hyun cracks open his beer, sighing in relief after one gulp. He leans closer to Jongdae who is resting on the sofa, Hyun's expression serious. 

“Hyun has been thinking damn hard how to say this.” 

“Hmm, what is it?” Jongdae sips from his own can and glances at Hyun, waiting for him to continue. 

“Hyun likes you a lot. Like, freaking a lot.” His cheeks flush a bit, but his eyes are locked on Jongdae with determination. 

Jongdae puts down his beer on the table and looks back at Hyun, smiling a little. “I know. You have been very blatant with your flirting, do you think I don't notice?” He chuckles.

“So you know. Then… do you feel the same way?” Hyun lowers his head a bit, eyeing Jongdae through his eyelashes.

That question comes faster than Jongdae expects. He is not ready. A sigh comes out. "I…" he opens his mouth to say something but then he clamps it again, biting his lower lip. Hyun can see Jongdae’s protruding Adam's apple moves, gulping. 

Hyun shuts his eyes, ready for rejection. “It's a no then.”

“No, not that…” He feels the warmth of Jongdae’s hand clasped on his and his eyes blink open to a pair of troubled brown eyes.

“So?”

Jongdae frowns, looking down. “I'm confused.”

“Let Hyun help you.” Hyun puts his other hand on top of Jongdae’s hand, shifting his position to face Jongdae better. Their knees are bumping into each other, indirectly forcing Jongdae to face him too. 

He starts, “Do you enjoy our time together?” 

Jongdae nods.

“Do you think about Hyun?” 

He slowly nods again, shy.

“Do you miss Hyun?”

Jongdae smiles a little. “Yeah, sometimes.”

Hyun is getting impatient. “Do you want Hyun? Want to spend more time with Hyun?”

His eyes can easily see the pink blushes forming on Jongdae’s cheeks. Jongdae nods.

Hyun’s lips curve into a teasing smile. So, Jongdae does have feelings for him too. He challenges, “Then what are you waiting for?”

Jongdae doesn’t reply. Hyun can sense hesitation and about to speak but Jongdae starts first, “Hyun, I care about both you and Baek. but... but Baek is my patient, I'm not supposed to feel this way.” He looks down again. “It is not professional of me.” 

Hyun lifts Jongdae’s chin, peering directly into his eyes. “Hey. Your patient is Baek, not Hyun. It doesn't apply to Hyun.”

“But how about Baek?” Jongdae tries to look away. Hyun's gaze is so captivating, so distracting. He has to keep his cool. 

Hyun clasps both of his hands on the sides of Jongdae’s face, turning his attention back to him. “Hyun is here now right? Baek doesn't need to know. There's only the two of us here.”

Jongdae leans back. Thinking. “That's... somewhat true.” Maybe this can work out. 

His reply makes Hyun smiles wider. There is a sliver of chance, or so he hopes. “You can tell Hyun if you don't want this. At least, Hyun has tried.”

Jongdae remains silent. Hyun slowly leans closer, his eyes still open, observing Jongdae's reaction. Surprisingly, he doesn't flinch or move back, even when their noses are brushing against each other. Jongdae closes his eyes. Hyun takes the cue and tentatively presses his lips on Jongdae's in a chaste kiss. Still no rejection. 

Hyun pulls back. "Hyun has been wanting to taste that kitty lips. But Baek is such a chicken." His smile curved into a smirk, his tone full of tease. Jongdae's long eyelashes curves beautifully as his eyes fluttered open. There is a flood of conflicting emotions swimming in his eyes: hesitation, confusion, and surprisingly, curiosity and desire. Hyun can feel Jongdae's breath against his face getting faster.

He looks at Jongdae who stays silent, concerned. “Jongdae, please tell if you don't want this.” 

The kiss is not supposed to happen. It's wrong, he knows it in his head, but yet it feels good, it makes his heart sing. Jongdae replies with a pained expression. “It's just… I have been holding in a lot.”

Hyun lightly caresses Jongdae’s cheek. “Live a little, Jongdae. No one else knows. We can keep it just between us.”

Jongdae sighs. The direction this is heading is not good. With Hyun convincing him like that. "Okay…"

"You told Baek and Hyun to let everything out, all the shit and stuff. Honestly, it made Hyun feel good. Free." Jongdae swears Hyun just gives him a wink. "Time for you to do the same."

All these words make his heart beats faster, adrenaline builds within him. Jongdae can’t hold back anymore. He leans in and their lips meet. He sucks lightly, feeling Hyun's hand on his back, pressing their bodies closer. Hyun shifts his angle, his tongue licks between Jongdae's lips, parting it open, which he gladly does, letting him explore every inch of his mouth. It sets Jongdae on fire, awakening things that he knows he shouldn’t feel. He feels warm, exciting, great. His head feels light. 

Jongdae withdraws, panting. Hyun also draws quick breaths, but still throwing playful looks at him, rendering Jongdae speechless. He can only let out a "Wow" as a response.

"What do you think of us?" Hyun asks, his eyes full of curiosity of what Jongdae thinks.

Something in Jongdae's mind warns him that this relationship is not proper and professional. But the way Hyun looks at him and the kiss just now was all too enticing. 

"I want you. I want to know more about you."

Jongdae doesn't say it out loud but Hyun seems to understand what he thinks. He puts his hands on Jongdae's shoulders and leans in, kissing again, hands lightly pushing him down. Jongdae lands his back on the sofa with a yelp. 

Hyun grins, climbing on top. _I want to explore every inch of your body, to find out your reactions._ He looks at Jongdae fondly, at the pair of sparkling eyes as if there are stars in them, the beautiful eyelashes framing them, the thick eyebrows, his nose, defined cheekbones and the delicate curl of his lips. "You may not know, but you are so beautiful," Hyun says it very close to Jongdae’s ear, sending shivers down his spine. 

Jongdae stays still, too overwhelmed by dominance to react as Hyun's lips go all over him, trailing kisses on Jongdae's nose bridge, then to the root of his left eyebrow and his left temple, connecting his beauty marks. He goes down, sucking on the mark right on his collarbone, causing Jongdae's chest to rise and fall rapidly. Satisfied, Hyun crosses to the right side. He brushes locks of hair away from Jongdae's face, running his tongue over the moles near his right eye, down to his ear and the one on the side of his neck. When Hyun's tongue ran over a part of Jongdae's neck, his body reacts first in shiver, letting out a moan.

"Sensitive in that area, hmm?" Hyun teases, which Jongdae replies with a shy nod, pink shade tinting his cheeks. It makes Jongdae all the more adorable and Hyun keen to wreck him—since Jongdae has always been calm and in control, Hyun is curious to see his other side. 

"Let Hyun take care of you."

It has been some time since Jongdae experienced romance. Since graduation, he has been working his ass off taking care of others. He may have numbed his own needs and feelings in the process. Deep down he wants someone to care for him too. Hyun makes him remember that.

Jongdae doesn't reject when Hyun offers his hand, pulling him off the sofa. He follows his lead, entranced, like an iron attracted to magnets. Jongdae lets his body being turned around by Hyun's hand snaking around his waist. 

Hyun opens the bedroom door. "Come." Hyun guides Jongdae in. Once seated on the bed, they kiss again, more passionately this time, causing his erection to harden. Feeling the bulge, Hyun chuckles, lightly pushing Jongdae into the bed. Hyun climbs on top of Jongdae, knees trapping his thighs. He leans over, fingers on his chest, working to unbutton his dress shirt, revealing Jongdae's upper body. 

Underneath the loose shirt, Jongdae has a nice figure. Hyun has never seen anything so beautiful. His shoulders are wide and strong, chest slightly protruding, his body curves nicely down to his tiny waist like an hourglass. It is just the right balance of softness and toned. He can see Jongdae's flushed face, pink in embarrassment and arousal. Hyun licks his lips, immediately going for the first thing that interests his eyes, the mole on Jongdae's collarbone. He sucks it lightly and hears soft whimpers in response. 

Hyun goes south, attacking one of his pink nipples, making circles with his tongue. Hyun's fingers land on his other nipple, massaging it. The sensation drives Jongdae crazy both in his mind and down there, moans escaping his mouth. It is hard to keep his mind cool with Hyun pushing all his buttons like this. 

Hyun's fingers trail Jongdae's upper body, brushing against his ticklish spots. Jongdae yelps and hits Hyun on reflex. "Ticklish huh?" teases Hyun, making Jongdae bright red. 

“Shut up,” Jongdae whines, clearly flustered. His calm and collected front crumbles, showing the naturally cute side of him. It is so adorable, Hyun wants to tease him more, see more of his reactions. Jongdae must have caught the mischief in his eyes. “Stop teasing me. Just do it,” he huffs, slowly taking off his pants. 

Hyun happily obliges. He wants to make Jongdae feel good and pleased - after all, Jongdae has helped him with so much, patiently listening to him, allowing him to let free all the bottled things in his heart. Grateful for this gift in the form of Jongdae, Hyun takes Jongdae’s length in his mouth. 

Jongdae sighs. It feels so, so good. In addition, Hyun’s long fingers wrap around his length, stroking it fast, with his tongue running over the tip. The pleasure builds inside Jongdae, taking him to greater heights. Although the situation is not very ideal, he is thankful to be able to meet Hyun. He is able to love and feel loved again. He hasn’t been touched this way for a long time, he feels his climax is coming fast. “Hyun,” Jongdae warns, clenching his wrists. Hyun backs away just before he comes undone, spilling and panting hard. 

Jongdae still looks so beautiful even though he is currently a mess. Hyun leans over, kissing his cheek. What he doesn’t expect is Jongdae’s hand that suddenly goes between Hyun’s legs, stroking his length. Hyun gasps, eyes shut close instantly. 

“I can’t be the only one having all the pleasure, right?” Jongdae’s velvety voice fills his ears and a small, playful smile appears on his face. Hyun is so going to have fun tonight. 

\--

Something wakes Baekhyun up. The inside of his room is still dark, probably it is still early. However, something feels different, it is warmer than usual. He looks to his left and right, and his sight falls to a figure of someone besides him. Black hair, long eyelashes, that lip curl... Jongdae is snuggling next to him, still asleep.

Baekhyun is filled with surprise. _What is he doing here? Sleeping, next to him? And why is he not wearing anything?_ Questions are growing in his mind, but he tries to calm himself to not wake Jongdae. He lies back down on his bed and closes his eyes, slipping to the usual middle ground in his subconsciousness—the garage, where he met Hyun before. 

He can't find him on the back seat. Baekhyun decides to exit the car. And there Hyun is, resting on the couch, humming a tune, seems to be in a good mood. Baekhyun connects the dots - there is something about Hyun and the sight of Jongdae earlier that makes Baekhyun annoyed. He approaches in quick steps, hands on his hips. "Be honest with me, Hyun. What did you do earlier?"

Hyun uncrosses his leg and leans forward, joining his hands together. "Hyun told Jongdae. About Hyun's feelings."

"And then?"

"He feels the same. He is interested too, apparently," Hyun lets a gentle smile, "But all this time he was afraid, worried about his professional relationship with you. Hyun said it's okay and set him free." 

"You mean by sleeping with him?" Baekhyun cuts to the chase.

Hyun shrugs, "Well… we did kiss and made out… and yeah."

It feels like thunder just struck him from the sky. Baekhyun doesn't know what pisses him more, the fact that Hyun took over without letting him know, again, or that Hyun is dating his psychiatrist. Either way, both make his blood boil. He tries to keep it down by inhaling some breaths but with no success, his chest feels tighter, he has to let it out somehow, or otherwise, he might explode. 

"Hyun."

Hyun's ears perk up. The way Baekhyun said his name is tinged with mixed emotions - disappointment, hurt, and anger. He doesn't understand. "What makes you so upset?" 

"Didn't I told you before to let me know before we switch?" Baekhyun yells. "You kind of come or split from me, so I can say that I’m the original personality. It is my body and you should listen to me, don’t you think?” he frowns, upset from remembering how many times Hyun has taken over without telling. 

“I have many things in hand, schedules, stuff… that only I can do, not you. This is a crucial time, a few more days before filming. I can't afford to make mistakes or do anything that brings my groups down. I can't just anyhow switch on a whim and leave my responsibilities. I understand if we switch for an emergency, but… this…" he shuts his eyes, trying to calm himself but his breaths came short and quick. "I can't believe you seduce and mess around with Jongdae—my psychiatrist, who is supposed to take care of me—behind my back."

"What the fuck?" Hyun stands up, fist clenching. Baekhyun may be the other self that he loves dearly, but being accused like this, he doesn't like it. "Hyun didn't mess around with Jongdae. Hyun already told you before that Hyun likes Jongdae, and the feeling is mutual," he defends.

Baekhyun pleads, “Please. Please don’t make things awkward between me and Jongdae.” So far, their interaction is closer than a doctor and his patient. They are more like good friends now, Jongdae being the person he can tell anything to. He listens to Baekhyun all the time, entertains him and cares for him, even though Baekhyun can be weird and unbearable at times. He really doesn't know how he will react seeing Jongdae when he wakes up later. 

Hyun senses Baekhyun's distress. He withdraws. “Sorry. Hyun can’t help falling for him. Jongdae doesn’t mind if Hyun is not exactly normal, he cares and is kind to us.”

"But why must it be him?" Baekhyun is exasperated. There are a lot of people he has met throughout his life. "Why, of all people, of all times, it has to be Jongdae?"

Hyun seems dazed. "Hyun has no idea," he ponders, "Why it must be him, out of the shit ton of people in the world. Hyun can’t control his feelings either. Maybe it's something that makes Hyun feel at peace when we are with him. Maybe it's his smile. Hyun doesn't know exactly." He looks up at Baekhyun, "But one thing Hyun knows, Hyun likes him and he reciprocates."

Hyun seems happy, Baekhyun can see hearts in his intense eyes and the soft expression on his face. However, this relationship with Jongdae, or even a romantic relationship, is too much of a risk in his situation. "I can't let you do this."

Hyun stares at him confusedly. "Why?"

"You won't understand. It's an idol thing." Baekhyun turns, wanting to leave already. But a hand stops him, holding him back. He tries to shake it off, but Hyun's grip has no sign of letting go. "What is it? Just spill it," Hyun presses.

Baekhyun sighs, upset, but decides to explain since Hyun won't leave him alone otherwise. "Hyun. You will be going out in my body. People are looking at me, they know me, thinking that you are me. I know you, you will go out there, hang out with Jongdae and such. What will happen if they see you in my body and Jongdae on a date? Fans, reporters, haters, everyone will talk about it, causing scandals, ruining the group's reputation and dragging Jongdae too. Sorry Hyun, I can't let that happen. I have too many things I can't risk." There is something else in his chest too, but Baekhyun can't put them into words.

Hyun's grip on his forearm loosened, his intense gaze earlier softens to concern. "Baek, you worry too much. You can choose to be happy, we can find a way around. Why are you making things difficult for yourself?"

Baekhyun doesn't know why either. "Just leave me alone, can you do that?" 

He leaves in silence. Hyun doesn't follow him.

When he opens his eyes, the spot next to him is empty, Jongdae is nowhere to be seen. Baekhyun sighs in relief, at least he doesn't need to worry about dealing with Jongdae now. But the relief is gone as quick as it comes, replaced with emptiness in his heart.

\--

## August 26

With a few days left before SuperM music video and jacket shooting, almost all of Baekhyun’s time is used for practice, making sure the choreography is perfectly nailed so it looks good in the video. His face scrunches in concentration as he glances between Kim Kai’s movements diagonally in front of him and his own reflection in the mirror, trying to get the same precision in his forms and timing. As expected from the appointed main dancer of SuperM, Kai’s skill is no joke. His forms are perfect, his waves smooth and graceful, but when it needs to be, he can be deadly sharp and powerful.

The music ends and Kai approaches him with a satisfied look, giving a pat on Baekhyun’s back. “Great job hyung, you are getting better.”

Baekhyun pats him back, grinning. “Thanks Kai, for staying back and practicing with me.” 

“No worries, hyung. I'm glad to be able to help,” Kai replies, taking two towels and passing one to Baekhyun, using the other to wipe the sweat off his own body. Baekhyun gladfully receives the towel. He walks to the side of the training room to retrieve his water bottle. He notices Kyungsoo standing by the wall, seems like he wants to say something.

"Kyungsoo-ya, what's up?" he greets cheerfully. 

Kyungsoo smiles back. "Baek, it has been some time since your last appointment with Jongdae. Are you alright? Do you need me to schedule for you before we fly?"

Baekhyun's heart skips a beat at the word Jongdae. He is unsure if he wants to meet Jongdae. They still text each other. Baekhyun can think before he types, but he doesn't know how he will react if he meets Jongdae in person. Now that he is aware of Jongdae and Hyun's relationship, he is conflicted if he should act as if nothing happened or otherwise. He decides to dodge, "I'm okay, Kyungsoo-ya, don't worry," he says it as calmly as possible, trying to convince Kyungsoo and himself. 

Actually, there are things that are not okay. Baekhyun hasn't spoken with Hyun since the incident. He refuses to start first, still unhappy, and Hyun remains quiet. Other than that, he has been very anxious about the shoot and music video filming, worries building in his mind. He has been trying to direct the nervous energy on practices instead, which seems to be working although it leaves him very drained at the end of the day.

Kyungsoo seems to sense something but doesn't probe. "Hey, don't force yourself," he looks worriedly, "Just tell me if you need anything. Make sure you take some rest too, okay?"

"Okay," Baekhyun replies. 

\--

## September 21

It has been weeks since their last appointment. From what Baekhyun and Kyungsoo told him via text and occasional phone calls, Baekhyun is occupied with SuperM debut preparation and other CBM schedules. Jongdae appreciates that Baekhyun still keeps in touch despite his busy schedules. His alter Hyun also sends him some flirty texts and sweet nothings every now and then from secret chat—he said it is to differentiate Jongdae's communication with Baekhyun and with him. 

But something doesn't feel right. Maybe it is just his intuition. 

Jongdae sits in his office, spinning on the chair absentmindedly. There is not much to do between lunch break—which drags longer than usual since Jummyeon and Yixing insisted to treat him meat earlier, "Special day calls for special occasions," he remembers Junmyeon said it earlier—and the appointment later in the afternoon. His ears catch a few knocks on the door. When he opens it, a masked man with a bucket hat that seems familiar stands outside the door. He lowers his face mask and grins.

"It has been some time, Jongdae. Hyun misses you." 

The sight of his face, his soft smile and the sound of his deep voice makes Jongdae melt. He too misses this man so much. "Hyun! Why are you here?" He is glad to see him, but Hyun shouldn't be here. "Doesn't Baek have schedules?"

Hyun rushes inside, embracing Jongdae in his arms. Jongdae is stunned but quickly comes to his senses to shut the door close. Hyun removes his hands and places it on both sides of Jongdae's shoulders.

"Hyun. Please don't do this. I'm at work now. Can it wait later?" Jongdae looks up to him, eyes pleading.

Hyun doesn't want to listen, pulling his lips into a smirk. "No." He sees that Jongdae opens his mouth about to protest but Hyun puts one finger on his mouth to shush him. What he didn't expect is Jongdae biting his finger playfully, giving him a challenging look.

Hyun perks up in amusement. He takes Jongdae's face in his palms and seals that mouth with his. He can hear Jongdae gasps in surprise. Their tongues meet and meld together. At first, Jongdae seems hesitant, but Hyun doesn't care. He shifts, finding a better angle and digs deeper. Jongdae sighs, letting his eyes shut enjoying the warmth they share. They break apart, panting for air. Jongdae being all flustered makes Hyun giggles.

"My gosh. you are really that daring, aren't you Hyun?" Jongdae comments, still heaving for air. Hyun laughs harder. Jongdae sighs, he really can't win against this guy.

Jongdae crosses his hands. "So, what do you want now?" he stares at Hyun, "you're lucky that I'm currently not attending to anyone right now."

"Hyun knows you're empty now, that's why Hyun comes in." Hyun returns his stare, looking at him daringly. Jongdae shakes his head in disbelief. Out of the guys who made advances on him, Hyun is definitely the most aggressive so far. 

"Hyun just want some break. Time with you," his voice smooth like velvet, entrancing. Jongdae feels his back bumps against the wall, sending him in mini-panic. 

Seeing Jongdae's surprised reaction makes Hyun smirks, he leans forward, attacking Jongdae’s sensitive spot with his tongue. The other's defense weakens immediately, a whimper escapes his mouth, eyes closed in pleasure.

"Just a quick one if that's what you want," Jongdae replies, his voice thick with arousal.

Hyun hums at the permission, happy to oblige. Jongdae pulls him behind the curtains, the physical examination area. Hyun unbuckles Jongdae's belt and lowers his slacks, leaving his boxers on. Hyun slides his hand behind Jongdae under the fabric, squeezing his ass, making him gasp. Hyun smiles. It is so plump, just the way Hyun likes it. 

He tilts Jongdae's face with his right hand, kissing him again. At the same time, his other hand explores his buttcheeks, trying to find the hole. His finger brushes over the rim. It sends electric jolts of surprise to Jongdae's body, he shivers and accidentally bites Hyun's lip in response. Hyun pulls back. "Sorry," Jongdae muttered.

"It's okay. Hope you are clean." Jongdae nods and whimpers in response, his eyes half-lidded already. "Don't think you have lube around here right?" Jongdae shakes his head. 

Hyun licks his fingers. "Ew, that's not hygienic," he hears Jongdae complains but he pays no heed, running the wet finger on the rim again, this time in circles. 

"Stop teasing me already," Jongdae pants, Hyun can feel his chest rising and lowering fast against his body. "Hyun… ah" Jongdae gasps as one finger enters his hole.

"You are so tight. When was the last time?" Hyun asks.

Jongdae leans on Hyun's shoulder. "I don't remember. I have been very busy."

"Let Hyun take care of you then."

He slides in one more finger and Jongdae moans against his ears. Realizing how loud he was, he quickly clamps his mouth with his hand. Hyun giggles. "Loud is okay."

"I'm at work, Hyun, what if someone hears…" he groans when Hyun separates his fingers, scissoring. He slides his slender fingers in and out, Jongdae's muffled moans right on his ears, causing his rod to harden.

"Can't go in much this way. Turn around." Hyun pulls his fingers out. He glances at the examination bed on their side. Jongdae follows his gaze and gets the idea. He faces the bed, lowering himself, his body supported by his elbows. This position makes Jongdae's erection visible and his glorious ass pops in all their glory. Hyun whistles, he really wants to spank it. "Fuck, Jongdae, you are so hot." 

Jongdae turns his face, red like apples. "Shut up and just do it." He huffs. Hyun chuckles and removes Jongdae's boxers. 

"Ready?"

"Mmm. Just fingers though, I don't want the mess here in my office." 

"All for you," Hyun replies, shoving two fingers right in the hole. He slides in one more and Jongdae's body jerks, eyes shut taking in the pain and pleasure. Hyun pumps into Jongdae, while his other hand slides under Jongdae’s shirt and plays with his nipple. Jongdae's moans go higher and higher. 

"I'm… close.." Jongdae whimpers. "Can you take the tissue?" Hyun pauses and pulls a few sheets from the box, passing it to Jongdae. Jongdae wraps his cock, already coated with precum, with the tissue and holds it in place. Hyun continues fingering into Jongdae, hitting his prostate. Jongdae suddenly shudders, his insides clenching Hyun's fingers tight as he cums. He lets out a sigh of relief when Hyun pulls out and Jongdae drops to the bed, panting hard.

"Thank you, Hyun."

Hyun doesn't reply, instead, he strokes Jongdae's back lovingly with his clean hand. Hyun takes a few wet tissues and wipes his other hand clean. Jongdae looks at him endearingly, "What do you want me to do for you in return?" 

"Suck Hyun off," Hyun replies, grinning. There is a glint of mischief in his eyes. 

Jongdae gets up from the examination bed and unzips Hyun's pants, freeing his eager erection. He runs his tongue lightly over it, teasing. Hyun gasps and Jongdae smiles before letting Hyun’s cock inside his mouth, sucking and licking, causing Hyun to let out pleased sounds in response. Jongdae is glad that it makes Hyun happy. Hyun has satisfied him earlier, he wants to pleasure him too. 

To Hyun, it feels amazing to be inside Jongdae after they didn't meet for some time. Jongdae knows what to do and how to make him feel good. It is so close, so intimate. Hyun closes his eyes, enjoying the love and affection Jongdae showers for him. Not long after, he is getting close and he too cums, liquid spurting out. 

“Oh shit. Sorry, should have warned you,” Hyun apologizes, pulling out carefully. He sees Jongdae’s Adam's apple moves, swallowing. Hyun reaches out for the tissues and Jongdae gratefully takes some to wipe his lips. 

“Next time,” Jongdae replies. “Well, this was quick.” 

Hyun waits as Jongdae cleans up and gets dressed. Then he plops on the couch with Jongdae joining beside him.

"So, since you are already here, anything you want to share maybe?" Jongdae asks. He may be his lover now, but the psychiatrist mode is back on since it's still working hours.

Hyun sighs. “Baek's life is so damn hard. Gosh, why is he trying so hard to please so many people, some who don't give a damn? His schedules are so packed recently. Going to another country to shoot a music video and photoshoot for SuperM, English classes, all the practice, rehearsal, prep… also some CBM stuff.”

"Whew, that’s a lot of stuff,” Jongdae comments, his jaw drops.

“Yeah. It's hard for Kyungsoo to schedule an appointment, so Hyun took initiative," he throws a naughty smile.

“You are unbelievable." Jongdae laughs, then shaking his head afterward. "You can't do that, Hyun. Baek has his responsibilities. Since when you are so irrational like this?" he asks. "I thought you would be the more mature one."

"Since Hyun meets you. Hyun feels comfortable with you, wants to spend time with you. Hyun never wants something this much before." He leans on Jongdae's shoulder, reaching out for Jongdae's hand and caressing it. Jongdae lets him. His hand feels so soft and warm.

Jongdae enjoys their time together, but something keeps bugging his mind. "By the way, is there something between you and Baek? Maybe it's just me, but I feel that something is not alright," Jongdae asks.

Hyun looks down, his fingers entwining with Jongdae's. "Baek found out about us. And he got upset," he shares, "said that we are not supposed to be together because of his job as an idol, worrying that it can cause scandal which might drag you and his groups down. But Hyun doesn't see it as a problem. We can't agree so we are not on talking terms now." He sighs, lifting his head to meet Jongdae's eyes. "But we can work it out, right? Not the whole world has to know. We can meet secretly like this. It makes Hyun happy enough." 

Ah, the consequences of dating someone well-known. Honestly, Jongdae doesn't see him as a celebrity even from the start. To Jongdae, Baekhyun is a patient and more than a good friend. Baekhyun does have a point, but what Hyun said is right too. Being a celebrity doesn't mean that one can't date and be happy with their loved ones.

"I'm thankful for your feelings towards me, and for visiting me." Jongdae gives a warm, appreciative smile. "But does Baek know you are here?" he asks. 

"No," Hyun replies, shaking his head. Jongdae hits Hyun, but softly so it is not painful, "You should stop troubling Baek. Don't take over his body without him knowing. Pretty sure Baek was upset because of that too." 

"Yeah, he did mention that," Hyun admits.

"There are two of you. You need to share and compromise. It may be hard since the two of you may have your own opinions, I totally understand," Jongdae says, "I have a brother and I couldn't always get what I want. I disagreed with him, even got into fights before. But I learned to share. Sometimes I have to give in. At other times, my hyung is the one who gave in. It sucks at times, but he is my hyung, I love him dearly. We have to share. It is not impossible to reach an agreement. Talk to him, I'm sure Baek misses you."

A phone ringtone breaks the silence in the room. Hyun gasps, frantically reaching for his pocket, looking at the caller ID before picking up. "Yes, Kyungsoo? I'm taking a break now, I'll be back shortly okay, don't look for me," he says cheerfully, like how Baekhyun would answer. Jongdae raises his eyebrow. So one personality can mimic the other? That's interesting.

He hangs up and finds Jongdae's eyes studying him. "What?" he demands.

Jongdae shakes his head slightly, "No, just fascinated that you actually can behave like Baek."

Hyun keeps his phone back in his pocket and faces Jongdae, tilting his head in confusion, "Why surprised? Baek and Hyun are one person." He says it so nonchalantly, which makes Jongdae more curious.

"Well, you are the first person with a dissociative identity disorder that I take care of. I studied it, I heard about it, but it feels different when you actually meet someone with it." Jongdae bits his bottom lip, "It's fascinating."

Hyun is more confused now. "You are fascinated? Not scared?" He looks at Jongdae again, now trying to understand this psychiatrist in front of him. "Not afraid that one time it will be Hyun and the next moment Baek?"

"It doesn't matter," Jongdae stays calm, to Hyun's amusement, "You both are still human. It might be a different case if you are one part human and one non-human though, like vampire or werewolf," he chuckles at his own bad joke, making Hyun snorts before breaking into a laugh.

"But how about Split? Doesn't the main character have multiple personalities, like Hyun and Baek? And he is freaking dangerous," Hyun questions him. People with dissociative identity disorder are often portrayed in movies as if they are psychopaths, although most are not true in reality. "I don't think any of you are dangerous or a serial killer, so I'm good." Jongdae smiles at him warmly. 

But that smile quickly turns into a serious face. "Anyway, since Kyungsoo called you, you should go back. He can be scary when he is angry, I don't know what he will do to me if he knows you are here."

He stands up and taking steps towards the door, about to turn the knob. Hyun grabs his hand, stopping him. "Five more minutes." Hyun requests, his hands snaking around Jongdae's waist, pulling him into a hug. His mouth searches for Jongdae's but Jongdae turns his face away, avoiding Hyun. "No."

"Please?" Hyun looks at him with puppy eyes. Jongdae sighs, giving in. "Alright."

He feels a peck on his cheek. "Happy birthday, Jongdae," says Hyun, grinning from ear to ear. 

Jongdae's eyes widen, cheeks blushing. "How do you know?"

Hyun winks. "The receptionist in front told me," Jongdae remembers that the receptionist is a fan of CBM, that would be easy for Hyun to ask. "And what are you doing, working on your birthday? You should go out there and have fun."

Jongdae shrugs. "Nah, birthdays are not that special. I still have patients today. But thanks for wishing me." His smile is bright and beautiful, Hyun's mouth is pulled into a smile too. 

"Let's see if Hyun can come by again later to celebrate it with you," Hyun says as he opens the door.

"You don't need to if you're busy. This is enough. Thank you, Hyun," Jongdae replies, his smile is so sweet and bright.

"Oh wait," he adds, "The two of you, please don’t fight because of me. I care about you, both of you." Hyun takes in Jongdae’s gentle gaze one last time before leaving. 

The last words from Jongdae make Hyun reflects on his actions. He has been selfish. Maybe, he can patch his relationship back with Baekhyun. No, he should. 

\--

That night, Baekhyun finds himself in the middle of the dark, watery place once again. Initially, he thinks he is alone until his hearing catches sounds of splashing water and someone clearing their throat. Baekhyun turns around and there stands Hyun, cool and enigmatic as he usually is.

“I thought you were gone already,” Baekhyun starts. Honestly, a part of him wishes what he just said. It does feel quieter without Hyun intruding his mind. 

Hyun tsks, his lips pulled into a smirk. “Nah, you can't escape Hyun. Hyun will always be here.” Baekhyun sighs in resignation. What Hyun said is indeed true, his condition has no cure and he is stuck with this for life. 

He remembers Jongdae’s text earlier this evening to check on Hyun and have a heart-to-heart talk if possible. Baekhyun realizes in the few occasions he met Hyun, they never really have the chance to have that kind of talk. 

Since he has not been interacting with Hyun for days, suddenly there is so much to say. He is curious if Hyun knows what he thinks of him and the other way around. Has Hyun realized his faults or not? He wants to ask how Hyun is doing, what is he up to nowadays—and that he actually misses Hyun’s presence. 

He decides to start from the beginning. “To be honest, the first time I knew about you, that I have multiple personality disorder, I was angry, afraid, and confused. As if all my life has been a lie. Who am I? I keep thinking that and questioning everything. Why do things keep happening to me? Why must I have this condition? Why can’t I just be… normal? And fine?” He pauses, expecting Hyun to comment, but his alter stays silent, listening. 

Baekhyun continues, “But hearing from your side of the story, I realized that I can't be here, where I am now, without you. You have protected me all the way. I need you. And honestly, in the past few days we didn't talk, I… kinda miss you.” 

It makes Baekhyun a bit embarrassed saying all these things out loud, but Hyun doesn’t seem to judge or mock him. He just exhales and Baekhyun sees his expression softens. “All these time Hyun exists, Hyun only wants to keep you safe, Baek. Life hasn’t been very fair to us but Hyun wants you happy, no need to worry about the bad stuff,” Hyun answers. 

“But then, Hyun got distracted. By Jongdae.”

His eyes are downcast with apology. “Hyun is sorry too... Hyun should have listened to you. Hyun has been selfish, only wanting Jongdae without caring from your point of view.”

“I was at fault too.” Hyun’s head perks up, looking at Baekhyun confusedly. “I only think about how it will affect me and my career. I can see that you like Jongdae so much, it makes you happy. I shouldn't keep you away from happiness.” 

Hyun chuckles. “So we are both at fault huh.”

It makes Baekhyun chuckle too. A tear escapes the corner of his eye and Hyun’s fingers are quick to catch it. “Why do you cry?” Hyun asks with concern.

It feels as if a dam inside his chest suddenly shatters and Baekhyun can’t contain his bursting emotions. “My dad, mom, grandma… everyone I care about has left. I felt all alone in this world all the time before I know you,” he breaks into sobs, “And now I have someone,” Baekhyun gazes at Hyun with teary eyes but smiles. “Closer than a friend and a brother. Someone who will never leave me. I may be crying but I’m so happy.” 

Hyun usually doesn’t easily get affected emotionally, but seeing Baekhyun like this tugs on his heart. He opens his arms like how Jongdae does to calm him and Baekhyun, pulling Baekhyun into a warm hug. He can feel Baekhyun’s hands tight around his body. His shoulder is wet with Baekhyun’s tears, but Hyun lets him. His sight got slightly blurry too, probably he shed a tear or two.

“Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome and thank you too.”

Baekhyun wipes his tears away. Although there are two of them, they are one. This can be a step to really understand each other. 

He breaks from the hug and looks at Hyun in the eye. “Let’s be more open with one another, shall we?” Hyun nods. 

“Please talk to me more. Let me know if you want to switch, and the other way around,” Baekhyun stares at Hyun with serious eyes. “Really. If I say no, that means no. I’m the original personality, remember?”

Hyun shrugs. But if this is what Jongdae means by compromising, he rather do this than clashing against Baekhyun and receiving silent treatment from him again for god knows how long. “Okay, Hyun will do that,” he gives in. 

After a long time, they finally reconcile.

“Wait, I just remember something.” 

“What is it, Baek?” Hyun asks. Baekhyun’s eyes are looking at him with curiosity. “I want to test things out. Can we get to the garage thing?” 

“Sure.”

Their surrounding brightens and in a blink, they are at the middle ground. His car is still there. Baekhyun walks towards it and checks the interior. Right, there is a passenger seat next to the driver, just like his car in reality. 

“Jongdae told me before about sharing consciousness or co-consciousness. I am wondering if…” Baekhyun rubs his chin, thinking. He opens the door and gets on the driver’s seat. He looks at Hyun, patting the seat next to him, gesturing him to come in. And so Hyun does. 

“Okay, let’s try this out.” Baekhyun starts the engine and goes straight. 

When he opens his eyes, he is in control, but something feels different. His right hand suddenly lifts by itself although he doesn’t command it. He wills it to go down and his hand follows, dropping back to the sheets. 

“Hyun, was that your doing?” Baekhyun asks. Hyun chuckles in his mind. _‘Sorry. Just testing things out.’_ Hyun’s voice becomes louder and clearer too.

Baekhyun gets up from the bed, picking his phone and unlocks the screen. “Can you see and hear what I see?” questions Baekhyun. 

_‘Yup,’_ Hyun replies. _‘By the way, can we switch? Hyun wants to experience it too.’_

Baekhyun returns to his bed and shuts his eyes. He is back in the garage, reversing the car. Once the car comes to a stop, he walks out and switches place with Hyun. Hyun’s fingers drum on the steering wheel expectantly, and he starts the engine. 

It feels like Baekhyun is back in control, or almost. He can see what is in front and around him, hear the sound of the air conditioner in his room, sniff the faint smell of the fabric softener from the bedsheet. He tries commanding his body to lift his hand, but strangely, it doesn’t budge. He tries moving his head around and hums and it somewhat works. 

“So if we are both in front and I’m beside you, I can influence some actions but not totally in control of everything, it seems,” he concludes. It is kinda scary and weird to be able to affect and some part of the body but not all of them. Baekhyun can hear Hyun sighs. _‘Let’s go back and switch. Hyun gets tired all of a sudden.’_

Baekhyun hums in agreement and they return to the middle ground. Hyun cocks his head at him, still grasping what just happened. “So, Baek, was that so-called co-consciousness?” Hyun asks. 

“Maybe? It did feel like we both exist and are conscious at the same time.” 

He should test again next time and ask Jongdae about this. 

\---

#### October 3 

Hey, it's Baekhyun. I realize I haven't wrote in the journal for some time. Well, I'm currently in the US for SuperM debut showcase with the other members and Kyungsoo. We have been here since yesterday, preparing for the show on October 4. 

Of course, I'm super nervous — it's a different country, it's not Korea. What if I make a mistake, what if I make a fool of myself? Not to mention the people who are against this project. What if nobody shows up? 

But as usual, Jongdae sends encouraging messages and calms me down over the phone. Thank you always, Jongdae, I'm really glad to have you. 

Hyun has been supportive too, thanks a lot, my other half. I already write it, hope you are happy? Yes?

I have made progress in my English studies. Mark and Ten have let me practice and give me a lot of encouragement but still, I'm not that confident yet. Maybe I will tell Mark to speak more during the show. Heheh.

The rehearsal went fine earlier. Hopefully, the actual performance will go smoothly just like the rehearsal.

\---

#### October 5

SUCCESS. THE DEBUT SHOWCASE IS A SUCCESS!!!

We were worried, we were so nervous. But the moment we stood on stage together yesterday night, all of my, no, _our_ worries were gone. I was surprised to see so many people coming to the showcase — it was so packed — cheering for us although we are new. Our hard work in the past months, the hate messages, after everything we have been through... I'm really touched by the support, I nearly cried. Well, actually we all did cry out of happiness backstage after the showcase kkkk. Jongin - Kim Kai asked me to call him by his real name now that we have gotten much closer - surprisingly cried the most. He said it has been his dream to venture to the US market and we finally did it as a team. I'm really proud of us.

I heard from our staff that SuperM apparently topped Billboard album chart too!! Oh my gosh. Wow!

I said this on stage but I want to write again because I'm really feeling it — thank you dear fans for coming, for supporting us, a group of guys with dreams from the other side of the world. 

Jongdae also sent his congrats—that angel, really. I'm forever thankful. Ah, I wish he could be here with us. Has he ever leave Korea? The US is exciting, Dubai the place where we shoot the MV was nice too. We could go out and see places.

\--

## October 24 

Bored while waiting, Baekhyun randomly checks his KakaoTalk. He saw some messages from unknown numbers, probably sasaengs. Baekhyun doesn’t know how they even manage to get his number. He rarely checks messages from people he doesn’t usually message, but just to clear the number of unread messages that bothers him, he scrolls down, clicking on the message to read them. 

“Hello.”

“Good morning oppa.”

“Is this Baekhyun oppa?”

There are some others but one number particularly gives him chills. It is not the message, it is just the word “Oppa”. But from the date the messages were sent, this number has been messaging him constantly, once every week. His body reacts to it, his intuition feeling very uncomfortable as if he knows the person behind that message, and whoever it is, is up to no good. 

He thinks Hyun might know, so he reaches out to him. ‘Hey, Hyun.’

_‘Hmm?’_

‘Did you see the KaTalk messages earlier? I don’t know why it gives me chills. As if something in me knows who is behind that. What is happening? Did you date someone? You better be honest with me.’

_‘Which one was it?’_

Baekhyun clicks on the ominous message and slowly scanning it, letting Hyun reads as well.

 _‘Damn. It’s her.’_ Baekhyun senses panic in Hyun’s tone, which is unusual.

‘Who?’ he asks.

_‘Set an appointment with Jongdae. This is... hard to explain.’_

\--

## Appointment 5 - October 25

_*Trigger warning: mention of rape / non-con. Please proceed with caution*_

Jongdae opens the door, finding Baekhyun - whom he notices now sports greyish hair color - and Kyungsoo. He welcomes them in and sits behind his desk as the two take a seat on the other side. He leans forward and asks, “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

Baekhyun closes his eyes. When he opens it again, his aura is different - he has switched to Hyun. Hyun looks at Kyungsoo and Jongdae, before opening his mouth and starts his story.

That night Baekhyun came home late, tired from practice. He didn't realize that his door lock was broken. He just went in. But Hyun saw and went alert. Inside the apartment, Baekhyun was greeted by a stranger. A strong odor hits his nose and he lost consciousness.

When he was awake as Hyun, he realized that his hands were tied behind his head, restricting his movements. His clothes were gone, and he was on the bed. The sasaeng girl was on top of him.

“Don’t do this,” Hyun warned, only to be met by a crazy pair of eyes. And she started laughing. Hyun resisted, but the girl forcefully kissed him, one hand stroking his cock. He really hated this but his body reacted otherwise. Helpless as the girl and her friend did him, in terror but couldn't do anything. Finished with him, they untied him and left with mocking smiles. Still in shock and traumatized, he couldn't sleep until morning until Kyungsoo found him.

Hyun's body shudders as he finishes telling his experience. 

“Hyun,” Jongdae calls. He doesn’t respond. Jongdae immediately approaches him, lowers his position so they are eye-to-eye. 

"Hyun, it's me Jongdae," Jongdae tries again with a gentle voice. Hyun's eyes are still distant, but he nods. 

"I am here for you. Can I touch you?" Jongdae feels it is important to ask first, some people resist touches of any kind after recalling such experiences.

Hyun meets his eyes and nods. Jongdae carefully wraps his arms to hug Hyun. Hyun clutches on his white coat, shivering in his arms. It breaks Jongdae's heart. “Relax, Hyun, relax. It’s in the past. It's over now.” He runs his fingers through Hyun's hair, trying to comfort him.

Kyungsoo's fist balled in anger and he punches the table, the loud noise from impact shocking both Jongdae and Hyun. He stands up and paces, "How come.. how come they bypassed the security? How come I didn't even know about it?" He massages the space in between his eyebrows. He looks at Hyun with apologetic eyes. "I'm really sorry. I failed to protect my artist. I have failed as a manager."

Hyun grabs Kyungsoo's wrist, stopping him from pacing. "You have tried your best. This incident was unexpected by us all." 

He looks up at Jongdae. "You remembered the night Hyun first showed himself to you? One of the bitches was there, Wanyi. Hyun didn't think she would come again."

Kyungsoo replies in frustration, "But there was still one more. We better make sure to catch her so you won't be harassed again."

"That girl was at the fan sign."

"What?" Kyungsoo yells, definitely surprised.

"Yeah. That bitch was there. She was next after the person who squeezed Baek's hand. Hyun took over to make sure she didn't harm Baek," Hyun replies. He sighs and adds, "But probably the personality change shocked all of you to bring us for appointment afterward."

"Do you remember any physical features? The next fan sign or any event we have to identify her," Kyungsoo presses. He has to know and prevent the incident from happening again.

"Pass me a paper please." Jongdae finds a clipboard with paper and a pencil and hands it. Hyun sets the board on his hand and takes the pencil with his left hand, swiftly moving it across the paper, drawing. The sketch reveals a girl with long hair, almond eyes, a sharp nose. She actually looks quite pretty. Jongdae feels a chill down his spine remembering what she has done beneath that beautiful mask.

Kyungsoo takes the board and observes it. "I think I have seen her somewhere before. Let me ask Sehun and the rest." He takes his phone and snaps a photo, then return the clipboard on the table.

"I don't know that you can draw so well." Jongdae's eyes linger at the sketch and then the artist, giving an encouraging smile. Hyun shrugs but manages a small smile. "It's just a hobby."

"It is really good though," compliments Jongdae.

"No wonder I feel I have seen her before. She has stalked CBM for some time." Kyungsoo suddenly speaks up, diverting their attention to him. He shows the group chat on his phone.

Sehun wrote, "This girl has been stalking. I had to force her to go away from the agency building, practice area, and the dorm many times."

Chanyeol replied in the group chat, "She wandered in front of my studio several times. She got on my nerves. I scolded her and she never appeared again."

Minseok apparently shared a similar experience. He wrote, "oh this girl. She followed me home one time so I yelled at her."

"This girl is bad news." Jongdae comments.

"All the more reason to catch her," Hyun agrees. "Right, Baek?" 

Hyun closes his eyes and blinks. In a moment, his demeanor softens and his aura less intense. He is back to Baekhyun. 

"Whoa!" Both Jongdae and Kyungsoo look surprised. Baekhyun shrugs, laughing to break the tension. This feels awkward.

"What was that just now?" Kyungsoo asks, his eyes wide in surprise. "Did you and the other guy… Hyun…"

Jongdae's reaction is more towards amusement, he observes Baekhyun with interest and curiosity, "Shared consciousness? I only told you about it over the phone and now you can do it? You both are amazing, Baek and Hyun."

Baekhyun grins. "Well, there is Google. I also talked a lot and tested out some things with Hyun. It drains me a lot though, keeping up with both sides."

Jongdae joins his hands and speaks, "Okay, how far have you two progress? Because there are some stages... the first one is co-awareness where the alters become aware of each other and communicate, letting both to share information."

Baekhyun remembers the strange dream when he first met Hyun and the time when he could hear Hyun for the first time in the toilet. So that is called co-awareness. He nods in understanding.

"Secondly is co-consciousness, where both sides are sharing consciousness at the same time — as opposed to when one alter blacks out when the other takes over. You're usually also able to communicate internally with each other."

The car. The garage in his mind. That time Baekhyun first experienced seeing his life from a third-person point of view during his break, he could see Sehun and Chanyeol and hear things but couldn't respond because Hyun was in control.

"The last and usually the most difficult to do - co-fronting. Both alters are aware, conscious, and can influence the body - so-called being 'in front' at the same time."

Baekhyun recalls the night he and Hyun reconciled after the disagreement. The moment they both sat in front of the car in his mind, he could influence the body partially even when Hyun was in control. 

"We reached co-fronting once. But now that I know the terms for it, most of the time we are in between co-awareness and co-consciousness," Baekhyun replies. 

Jongdae seems pleased. "I'm glad things have become better between you and Hyun. Just remember - take care and don't force yourself too much."

\--

## November 2

Baekhyun feels his phone buzzes. He unlocks the phone and finds KakaoTalk messages from that unknown number, again.

"Oppa"

“Finally you read my messages. I’m happy.”

"I miss you"

Baekhyun types a reply. "Who is this?"

"Remember me? I once came into your place. And we had a hot night together."

 _'It's her,'_ Hyun whispers. Baekhyun swallows. He remembers the two sasaengs breaking into his apartment and did something unforgivable. 'What shall we do then?'

_'Ask that bitch to meet. We should catch her as soon as possible before she fucks around with us further.'_

Baekhyun sighs, 'Hyun, you seriously have to stop cursing.'

He types, "Okay. What do you want?"

"Oppa can we meet again? I miss you"

He replies, "Where? And when?"

"Same place, 10pm, is it okay with you tonight oppa?". Another message arrives. "I will be a good girl." 

Baekhyun can hear Hyun snort in disgust.

After the schedule that day is over, Baekhyun goes home and finds the door broken, again. The sasaengs must have been inside. He pushes the door and tentatively takes a step inside, high on alert.

His sight is greeted by a girl with long brown hair standing in the living room against the grey curtain, her back facing him. She turns around, showing a familiar face; the girl who has been troubling him and Hyun, and the other members too.

"Oppa, you are late."

Baekhyun glances at his watch. It is 10:15pm, but he doesn't care. He slips his hand down into his hoodie pocket and carefully approaches. "You are?"

"I can't believe you have forgotten me. I'm sad," the girl pouts, trying to act cute which makes him more irritated than attracted. "Your moans were music to my ears. You were so receptive. Such a bad boy though, you kept resisting. I can't believe you don't remember any of that."

Baekhyun stops in his steps. From the corner of his eye, he notices a movement behind the bathroom door beside him. _'Watch out. They operate in two, remember?'_ Hyun whispers. He clears his throat and moves away from the door in case someone jumps at him. Looking up at the sasaeng girl, he states, "I mean, your name?"

"Minji," she cheerfully replies, her eyes light up in frenzy, "Oh, oppa finally notices me? Wanting to know my name? Ah~" she moans, "My love for oppa just grows even more. You are the only one who notices me and is kind to me. Chanyeol and Minseok oppa both hate me."

 _'And they are right to hate you, bitch, you are fucking disgusting,'_ Hyun mocks. Baekhyun sighs. 'I got this, Hyun, don't take over,' he replies in his mind.

Baekhyun folds his arms, keeping his distance from Minji. "Minji, why are you here? It is late, you shouldn't be here and..." he glances at the door, "ruin someone's door."

"I miss oppa," Minji replies, stepping a bit closer. "I want to spend the night with oppa again. Hopefully, not by force this time." She is one step away from him now, her hand reaches out for his wrist. He swats it away. 

"Please don't," Baekhyun moves one step back. "You are not supposed to be here and you shouldn't,” he reprimands, hoping he sounded strict enough.

"Oppa," she begs, hands clutching his left arm now. He removes her hand. "No," he replies stiffly, throwing a stern look at Minji.

Minji shifts her head, looking at something over Baekhyun’s shoulder. He can see her mouthing "Now". Baekhyun is on alert, readying himself for an ambush.

Instead, he hears loud thuds and painful grunts. He turns his head, not believing his eyes. Jongdae is by the bathroom door with the other girl, one of his hand gripping the girl's wrist away from her body and the other hand at her back, locking her other arm in an uncomfortable angle. There is one fabric discarded at the floor, probably laced with drugs to knock him out. Kyungsoo appears at the door with a phone in his hand. "You girls better surrender now. I have called the police."

Minji's expression turns dark. She pushes Baekhyun aside and runs for the door. But Kyungsoo is faster. He grabs her arm, flips her around and pins her to the floor, causing her to cry out in pain. Not long after, security guards came running in. They handcuff both girls' wrists. 

As the two girls are escorted away from the room, Baekhyun asks, "Why did you do this? You are breaking the law. You are wasting your own life by stalking me around."

Minji looks at him with crazy eyes, "Because I love oppa. At least, I have a video of us sleeping together as proof."

What the hell. Baekhyun's face scrunches, looking at her in disgust, "That's not love, you crazy bitch. You are sick." he raises his voice, his entire body trembling with anger. "Don't ever come here again. Don't ever enter my life again." He slams the door shut once they are out of his apartment.

Suddenly Kyungsoo is by his side, grabbing the door handle. "I'm going with them to the police station. We better make sure that she just said empty threats and not spreading any video around. Will you be okay here though?"

"Thanks, Kyungsoo-ya. Don't worry about me, I got Jongdae here."

“Take care.” Kyungsoo looks at him one last time with an unreadable expression, before nodding and closing the door. Baekhyun quickly latches the door, locking it. He leans on the door catching his breath. What happened today was intense, causing a mixture of emotions in him: anger, fear, and sadness. As he closes his eyes and inhales to calm himself, he feels strength leaving his body. His body is sliding down, almost dropping to the floor, but two strong hands support him.

"You just had a tiring encounter, you should rest." He can hear Jongdae’s voice calming his senses. He feels his body being hoisted up. Baekhyun opens his eyes. Jongdae’s arms are supporting him, guiding him to the living room sofa. 

Baekhyun slides closer to Jongdae and curls, wanting to snuggle. Jongdae puts his arms around Baekhyun, embracing him, with Baekhyun leaning on his shoulder. Warmth envelopes him, easing all the tensions from earlier. "You are so warm," he murmurs, letting a sigh of relief. Jongdae hums in response.

"Warm like a human heater," he jokes. It may seem corny but it is true, that is the effect Jongdae has on him. Jongdae always feels like a warm heater at home - warm and always giving, making him feel safe and belong, like nothing else matters. 

"What the hell Baek…" Jongdae pouts, smacking him lightly. Baekhyun chuckles but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. Jongdae raises his eyebrows, worried. "What is bothering you?"

"Honestly, I'm still scared." Baekhyun’s voice is trembling. "She was ready to drug me again and force me. What if she attacked me again? How if she really has a video? How if she already spread the video? What would I do, Jongdae?" Worries after worries are building in his mind, making his chest tight.

His train of thoughts is interrupted the moment Jongdae caress his back. It feels a bit ticklish but surprisingly calming, drifting worries away from his mind.

"Shh… Baek, breathe. It's over now. Your manager will take care of it," Jongdae replies with a soothing tone. Baekhyun feels his heartbeat slowing down and he relaxes, snuggling closer. He wishes the time would just stop right there, he totally doesn't mind spending eternity in Jongdae's arms like this.

\--

## November 10

Kyungsoo calls Jongdae a few days after the sasaeng incident at Baekhyun’s apartment. They want Baekhyun to stay somewhere else for his safety, afraid if the sasaeng leaks his apartment location and any incident will happen again. 

Since he can’t think of any other alternatives, Jongdae offers his apartment, Honestly, he is worried for his patient, and if Baekhyun stays with him, Jongdae can watch out in case any post-trauma stress disorders or anxiety occurs. He has two rooms anyway, initially planned for his brother to stay when he comes over to Seoul, but it has been empty for a while. He can use it. 

Because Jongdae is working on weekdays and Baekhyun has schedules on weekends sometimes, it is kind of difficult to find time to move his things over, but finally today everything is over. Baekhyun surprisingly has lesser things than he expected an idol to have. 

“Well, I’m just moving the essentials - my computer, some clothes, skincare, toiletries, the car, and other things,” Baekhyun replies when Jongdae asks him. There is also a big box filled with fan gifts and letters, Jongdae finds it endearing that Baekhyun keeps those things with him.

Starting from that day, Jongdae’s daily life has changed. His apartment has never been louder, livelier... and messier. He already knows Baekhyun is loud but having him come home late and then playing his computer game while shouting excitedly as he shoots the enemies down has woken Jongdae up from his rest several times. He has to knock on Baekhyun’s door or yell at him if he doesn’t keep it down. And Baekhyun usually apologizes, before another loud noise comes out from his room again. After a few days, Jongdae gets used to it. Or trying to. 

But there are nice days too, like when Baekhyun practices and memorize his lines. Jongdae sits in his room and listens to his beautiful singing. When their schedules don’t clash, they get to eat dinner together, lazing on the couch watching Netflix or just chatting about random things. Sometimes Hyun comes out and teases Jongdae, and they spend the time making out until both are satisfied. 

Jongdae has always been here alone, but some company in his life doesn’t seem so bad. Especially when they are as irresistible as Baekhyun and Hyun. 

\---

## December 14

In the past week, Jongdae rarely saw Baekhyun in his apartment. He has been practicing and saying things like “preparing for something special”. He asked if Jongdae will be free on December 14. Jongdae said he would be working but should be free at night. 

Yesterday morning when Jongdae was about to leave for work, Baekhyun almost bumped into him at the door, just back from whatever he was doing. He grinned widely and taking Jongdae's hand to put an envelope on his palm. “You better come! I’m expecting you,” he said, giving a pat on Jongdae’s shoulder before walking inside the apartment. Jongdae was confused, but Baekhyun seemed exhausted, so Jongdae let him rest and went to work. 

He didn’t come back at night before Jongdae went to sleep. When he got ready for work this morning, Jongdae heard a loud snore from Baekhyun’s room. He didn’t want to disrupt his rest. Just then that he remembered the envelope and he decided to open it during break in between his appointments.

The black lanyard strap dangles from his hand. Jongdae runs his fingers over the hard plastic hooked to it; a rectangular card with fancy design, and “CBM Concert” text printed on it along with a barcode, today’s date, and venue. Jongdae can’t believe it. Baekhyun just invited him to his concert. Although not exactly his concert but CBM's. But still, it is not just a regular ticket; it is a VIP one with backstage access. Jongdae feels he doesn’t deserve this. 

It is said on the card that the concert will start at 6pm. His usual shift ends at 7.30pm, so he better asks permission from Junmyeon and Yixing hyung to leave earlier today. 

He knocks on the rooms next door but both Junmyeon and Yixing’s offices are empty. He decides to go to the pantry and finds the two of them there, talking over coffee. Jongdae clears his throat, trying to get their attention.

“Uh, hyung, is it okay if I ask permission to leave early today?” he asks. Junmyeon adjusts the position of his glasses and he replies, “May I know why?” 

Jongdae shows the CBM concert VIP pass in his hand. “Baekhyun, one of my patients, invited me. The concert will start at 6pm, that’s why I need to leave earlier,” he explains. “I also don’t have any appointments around that time,” he adds, putting his hands together, uncomfortable with the silence. He is ready in case his hyungs don’t give permission since he informs in such a short notice.

He is mildly surprised when Junmyeon says, “Just go for it.” 

“Hyung? Really?” Jongdae asks, unsure if he hears it correctly. 

“Yes,” Junmyeon affirms with a smile. “You said there are no appointments around that time right? Then go. I give you permission.“

“Thank you so much, hyung,” Jongdae replies, full of gratitude. He remembers one more thing. “And since we are at the topic, I would like to apologize too. I’m sorry for breaking the code of professionalism. I care about Baekhyun more than I should.” 

Yixing speaks up this time. "Well, Dae. It's your love life, your own choice. If it makes you happy then go for it, you deserve happiness in life.” He comes closer to Jongdae and gives reassuring pats on his shoulder. "Just remember to keep personal and work life separate."

His seniors and colleagues being surprisingly understanding make Jongdae feel touched, his eyes slightly glassy. “Thank you so much, hyung, I really appreciate it. I will make sure to work harder.” 

“No worries,” Yixing says, smiling widely. 

Jongdae returns to his office with a light heart. He just sits down behind his desk when there is a knock on the door and Junmyeon comes into his office. 

“Junmyeon hyung,” Jongdae greets politely, standing from his seat. 

“Jongdae, I just remember this,” Junmyeon shows him a small box wrapped with paper. “I was supposed to give this to Baekhyunnie some time ago. Since you are meeting him later, please help me pass this to him.” 

Jongdae receives the box and nods. “I will, hyung.”

“Tell him I’m sorry I can’t come. Unlike you, I have an appointment later, and no tickets,” Junmyeon chuckles. “But when time allows, I hope we can meet someday, all three of us.”

\--

To be honest, Jongdae hasn’t been to a concert. The enthusiasm of the crowd, the cheering and the loud music being played over the speakers kind of overwhelms him when he enters the venue. He sits on his designated seat and waits quietly for the concert to start. 

Right around 6pm, the venue turns dark and the cheering grows louder. The fans around him are holding some kind of glowing sticks and waving them while also chanting “ChanBaekMin! ChanBaekMin!” The screen suddenly lights up, playing a video. Chanyeol’s, Baekhyun’s, and Minseok’s face appear one by one on the screen and the crowd erupts into cheers as the concert is starting. Adrenaline rushes in Jongdae’s blood, he doesn’t know what to expect but is as excited as the people around him.

The spotlights are brought to life, spinning around, colorful lights dancing in sync with the music before pointing into one direction on stage. Something like a door on the stage slides open to both sides and three shadows appear, walking confidently towards the center of the stage. Jongdae can see a tall man with bright red hair—Chanyeol, shorter man which is Minseok in blonde and lastly Baekhyun with pure white hair. His jaw drops - it's the first time Jongdae sees him with this hair color. The three of them wear similar-looking but not exactly the same outfit, complete with accessories glittering under the lights. All of them look very confident and charismatic, attracting the attention of everybody in the concert hall. 

Jongdae can’t take his eyes off Baekhyun. He has always been attractive, but being on stage, with makeup, stage outfit, under the spotlights amplifies his charms and charisma a thousand times more. He watches in awe as CBM dance in sync and is ecstatic when Baekhyun starts singing. His powerful voice resonates throughout the hall, loud and clear. Jongdae doesn’t know the song title, but he enjoys it. 

One song ends, followed by another, then more lights are turned on and the members walk to the extended stage. “Good evening everyone! Chan! Baek! Min! We are CBM!” they greet the audience and bow in unison, replied by loud cheers. They stand up and look around, waving at the fans. Baekhyun's eyes are wandering as if looking for something before Jongdae feels Baekhyun’s gaze meeting his. His unique rectangular-shaped smile appears, and Jongdae melts. He smiles for him. Baekhyun lips move, mouthing “You came” or something along that line that Jongdae thinks he said without the mic. The three members introduce themselves and hype the audience for the upcoming performances. They perform more songs and then waved at the audience, entering the backstage.

The stage turns black and another video plays on the screen. But when the stage lights are back on, there are not three people, but only one person stands on stage. “It’s the start of the solo stages!” Jongdae hears someone besides him exclaims in delight. Minseok who already changed outfit, starts his choreography, fluid and graceful like how Baekhyun described to him before. He finishes his solo singing and waves to the audience before the stage gets darkened again. 

The next person on stage is Chanyeol, playing drums at the start of the song. Then he stands up, taking the electric guitar prepared on stage and slings the strap over his shoulder. His hand strums the guitar as he sings and raps, also playing guitar solo melody during the song bridge. Jongdae agrees that Chanyeol is so multi-talented. The crowd went really wild when he is performing, cheering his name. 

Minseok and Chanyeol have performed, leaving the last person to perform solo stage, Baekhyun. His heart beats faster when the lights are back on, shining on Baekhyun who is standing alone on the stage. He sings a song that Jongdae doesn’t know the title of, about someone who has another side in him. 

During the performance, Jongdae feels something is different from the other stages. He can sense the strong, dominating aura that he recognizes is Hyun's, but it's Baekhyun's voice singing. The combination is so captivating, Jongdae feels as if he is hypnotized, attention glued to Baekhyun until the stage lights are switched off and Baekhyun exits the stage.

Two and a half hours passed in a flash. Jongdae learns a lot about Baekhyun the CBM member - a cheerful ball of energy who smiles brightly, laughs freely and jokes around, bringing happiness to people who see him. Jongdae understands why others call him a mood maker now. And his voice - when Jongdae listened to the songs through music player he was already in awe, and now he gets to hear it in person accompanied by a live band, he is even more impressed. It is so beautiful and powerful, touching his heart and soul in all kinds of ways. 

Jongdae is still reminiscing the concert, starstruck on his seat when a young man wearing a black t-shirt with the word "CREW" on it approaches him. "Kim Jongdae-ssi?" Jongdae looks up when his name is called. 

"Yes?" 

"Baekhyun is requesting your presence. Please follow me." 

Jongdae stands up and follows the man out the hall and entering another door that leads to the backstage. He looks around, observing the hecticness behind the scene. He sees staff crew passing by, talking over in-ear or walkie-talkie, some carrying boxes. In the midst of them all, the young man he followed stops in front of a door, waiting for him. Jongdae joins him and he opens the door for Jongdae.

The room is wide but there are a lot of people inside. Some stylists attend to two racks by the wall, packing outfits from the concert earlier. There are rows of mirrors and vanity tables on the other side. He spots a man with red hair sitting on one of the chairs in front of the mirror, which must be Chanyeol. He is talking animatedly over something with Sehun who patiently wipes makeup off Chanyeol's face. Jongdae's eyes wander around, looking for just one person. And he finds what he is looking for; the white-haired man resting on the couch near the vanity tables with a phone in hand. 

"Baek!" Jongdae calls out. Baekhyun looks left and right, finding the source of the voice. He notices Jongdae walking over and runs to him, giving a tight hug. His black concert t-shirt is still drenched with sweat but Jongdae doesn't mind. 

"Thanks for inviting me! Congrats on the concert, I really enjoy it," Jongdae says as they break from the hug. Baekhyun beams over the compliment, but nothing makes him happier than to see Jongdae here, watching his concert. He was anxious that Jongdae might not come, that he might only be interested in Hyun. But Jongdae is here, for Baekhyun. All his worries melt away. 

"Jongdae, no, I should thank you. Thank you so much. For coming. For everything. I'm really glad you came," Baekhyun replies with a bright smile on his face. He pulls Jongdae into another hug.

"Baek, you are still sweaty, don't go around hugging people!" scolds Kyungsoo. Baekhyun shrugs, breaking away from the hug and smiling sheepishly. 

"It's okay, Kyungsoo," Jongdae replies, smiling to the manager. Kyungsoo nods at Jongdae and passes some clothes on Baekhyun's hand. 

"Go change first, I can wait." 

Jongdae takes a seat and observes his surroundings. Minseok is back in the room, already changed to casual clothing, talking to Chanyeol and Sehun. Jongdae decides to approach them.

"Jongdae-ssi, you came!" Minseok notices him first and shakes his hand. Jongdae takes his hand and also shakes Chanyeol's hand.

"Congratulations on the concert," says Jongdae. "It's my first time watching a concert, to be honest." 

Chanyeol's eyes went wide at his words. "Oh really? We are honored to be your first concert experience. How was it? Do you like it? Some friends complained that there were too many girls squealing and screaming at our concert, I totally understand if you don't feel comfortable with it." 

Jongdae shakes his head and gives a warm smile. "Everything is fine. I really enjoy the concert. You guys are amazing. I guess I'm a fan now," he laughs, eyes crinkling.

Chanyeol gathers his hand into a fist. "Yes! Another fan has joined the fan club. Good job Baek." 

"Thanks, Chanyeollie." Baekhyun's cheerful voice replies to him. He already changes his outfit to a comfy hoodie and jeans. 

"Can I borrow Baek?" Jongdae asks his members. 

"All yours," Minseok replies with a wink. 

The entire concert was amazing but there is one part that can't leave Jongdae's mind - Baekhyun's solo stage. "You were so mesmerizing earlier. And so brave too, showing your true self on stage. The song was about you, right? Someone who has another side, another personality."

Baekhyun smiles and admits, "Yeah. I said to the agency I want to sing about something uniquely me for the solo stage. Thankfully there's this song. I'm immediately hooked on it." 

“I kinda disagree with the ‘psycho’ part though. You are definitely not a psychopath,” Jongdae says, which makes Baekhyun laugh. “But that is one magnificent performance for sure.”

"You look different too," Jongdae points out the white hair. Baekhyun grins. "I asked the stylist noona to dye my hair white yesterday. She was surprised but went with it anyway. I went through a lot of bleaching to get this color, I'm glad it turned out nice," he runs his hand over his fluffy white hair. Jongdae agrees, it really looks good on him. "This is how Hyun looks like - white hair, with coolness and stuff. And do you know? Hyun joined me on stage earlier."

No wonder Jongdae sensed Hyun's aura. "I noticed that. Whoa, co-fronting on stage for the entire song? You continue to surprise me, Byun Baekhyun."

Baekhyun looks at him knowingly. He cocks his head as if listening to something, nodding a few times. "Hyun wants to talk to you. Hang on." He closes his eyes and in a moment he is back, the aura and demeanor changes. 

"Jongdae, hi again," Hyun greets him. He pulls Jongdae to a corner and lands a kiss on his forehead. Jongdae flushes pink. "Hyun! How if someone sees..."

Hyun chuckles, smirk appears on his face. "Nah, no one cares here. You see Chanyeol and Sehun? So open yet no one gives a damn." 

It still amuses Jongdae how daring his lover is. "Anyway. Baek told me you two performed earlier. How did it feel, being on stage?" 

Hyun ponders for a while. "Hmm. It's something new. Hyun usually pulls back when Baek is performing, but being up front with him… it's overwhelming honestly. But Hyun could feel the energy, the euphoria. Hyun understands now why Baek loves performing so much." His mouth unknowingly pulled into a soft smile. It's so adorable, Jongdae runs his hand over his head, messing the soft white hair. 

"You two have done so well! Was it tiring though? Don't push yourself too hard," Jongdae says softly, patting Hyun's shoulder. 

"We are okay, don't worry," Hyun replies, assuring Jongdae.

Jongdae remembers Junmyeon's message. He digs into his bag and passes the gift to Hyun, who looks confused. "What is this?" he asks, inspecting the box.

"This is from Junmyeon hyung."

Hyun's face lights up. "Junmyeon hyung? Our senior in school? Really? He still remembers?"

Jongdae nods. "Yes. He said congrats for the concert and sorry he can't attend. And that we all should meet someday." 

"Thank you so much," Hyun says gratefully, cradling the box in his hand. "By the way, Jongdae, how do you know Junmyeon hyung?"

"He is my senior and teacher's assistant during university. I work with him now," Jongdae explains.

"Oh my gosh? Damn, fate is interesting." Hyun is amused.

Jongdae hears the other chuckle. "Stay around for the after-party. We insist." He winks. 

Jongdae is stunned. Was it Baekhyun or Hyun speaking to him just now? Jongdae swears the tone used was higher in pitch. So, it was Baekhyun? Jongdae does care and love Baekhyun but unlike his alter Hyun, the other is not vocal about his romantic feelings, kinda ironic since he talks a lot more. 

Anyway, Jongdae can wait. For Baekhyun to settle things with his alter, and his feelings in the process.

\--

## Epilogue

It has been a tiring week. Since Jongdae’s job requires him to listen to a lot of his patients’ troubles and negativity so they feel much better, sometimes it takes a toll on him. It is quite rare for him to feel down, but today, don’t know why, he can’t seem to bounce back to his positive self, especially after one patient told him a rather stressful experience. 

Thankfully, it is the end of his shift. Probably after resting at home, he will feel much better. 

Back in the comfort of his apartment, he lights up an aromatherapy candle. Scent of lavender slowly fills the air. In addition, he plays some soft music. He leans back on the sofa, closes his eyes and takes deep breaths, trying to relax. 

In the midst of the sound of a piano coming from the speaker, he hears the door unlocks and it makes him sits up in alert, curious who is coming. A moment later, a figure with white hair walks in, Baekhyun. Seeing him makes Jongdae’s heart feels lighter all of a sudden. 

Baekhyun puts down his bags on the table and approaches. “Had a rough day?” he asks, curious.

“Yeah. I am trying to relax,” Jongdae replies. He stretches his arms out and Baekhyun reciprocates, joining him on the sofa. His arms wrap around him, giving Jongdae a hug. Jongdae can feel Baekhyun’s hand on his hair, rubbing it like how he usually does it to calm Baekhyun. “You keep taking care of others, then who is taking care of you?”

Jongdae leans on Baekhyun's shoulder, appreciating the warmth. He exhales in contentment. Being with Baekhyun so close to him like this makes his stress melt away. “You are doing it right now. Thanks, Baek.” 

Baekhyun puts his hands on Jongdae’s shoulder, looking at his psychiatrist. Jongdae never thinks that he is, but Baekhyun finds him beautiful. A beautiful person inside out, who has helped him so much. He fondly rubs his fingers on the psychiatrist’s hair. 

“I’m the one who should thank you,” Baekhyun murmurs.

Jongdae’s closed eyes suddenly fluttered open, blinking, his beautiful eyelashes curves upwards. Confusion fills his eyes as if asking Baehyun "Why do you think that way?"

So he explains, “You helped me find myself, my identity, and feel much better about it.”

It is heartwarming to hear it from his patient. Jongdae is glad to be able to help. “All I do is just give you support. Everything is inside you all along, I am just giving it a little push,” Jongdae says with a smile. 

His gaze is so soft and gentle, making Baekhyun’s heart flutter. Jongdae always has that effect on him, calming him, makes him feel a lot better. After all the things that happened in his childhood and teenage years, with Jongdae he feels loved, that he belongs somewhere. He doesn’t know why he only feels this way towards Jongdae. 

Maybe this was what Hyun experienced when Baekhyun confronted him about his feelings towards Jongdae. He doesn’t know the reason why, he just feels. Baekhyun scolded Hyun about it, but in fact, he also misses Jongdae’s presence when he is not around, he pops in his mind from time to time and he enjoys every single time with him. Ah, the irony.

Hyun has always been more vocal than him, bravely speaking out what he feels. Meanwhile, Baekhyun has been caught up with worries and anxiety, worrying what others may think about him, whether the fans will still accept him, the impact on his career and other things. Maybe it is time for him to stop all that and like Hyun said, choose to be happy. After all, it is right in front of him. He just needs to reach out and say it. 

The soft music playing in the background, the pleasant aroma in the air, them being so close together like this, the atmosphere and timing feels perfect. Baekhyun opens up his mouth, to finally let out what he has been hiding for so long. 

“It takes me so long to realize that I’m in love with you.” 

To his surprise, Jongdae chuckles. “I know that since long ago, you silly.”

Wait, what? Was he always that obvious? Baekhyun frowns. “Then why you never tell me?” he lightly hits Jongdae and the other just giggles.

“I’m waiting for you to be ready. To settle your own problems and feelings first,” Jongdae replies with a gentle tone.

Baekhyun looks at Jongdae, observing his reaction. Jongdae is sincere and accepting like he always does. “You are not scared of me, having other personality - one time I can be Baekhyun and the other time can be Hyun - all that?”

Baekhyun and Hyun. They may be two different personalities but there are too many similarities. After all, they come from one. Jongdae shakes his head. “You and Hyun are different but both of you ask the same question.” 

“Ey, you haven’t answered my question,” Baekhyun pouts. Jongdae can’t resist his cuteness.

“I’m not afraid,” Jongdae announces. “If anything, it makes me feel blessed. When other people only have one person to love, I have two of you.” A playful smirk appears on his face.

Baekhyun huffs. “Hmph, so greedy.” 

“Why can’t I? I love you both,” teases Jongdae.

“I'm yours and you are mine.” Baekhyun leans closer, pecks Jongdae on the lips. “Hyun spent so much time with you without my knowledge, now I want my time with you."

"Come closer, I need you."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading all the way until the end ^_^ I hope you enjoy it~
> 
> To my prompter, I really like your prompt!! I guess I take a different approach from what you envisioned because I start their story from the very beginning and not making his other personality a psycho but I hope you like it! I really have a lot of fun writing this ^^/ 
> 
> This fic marks a lot of firsts for me. This is the first time I wrote this long. The first-ever smut-explicit stuff I wrote (I hope it’s not too awkward >__<). The first time I worked with beta readers to check my messy grammar and typos, also to discuss plot points and ideas. The first fic I wrote about a topic I know nothing about (but chose to claim because the prompt is just so appealing). 
> 
> I’m not a psychiatrist, I don't have dissociative identity disorder. So, many of the stuff in this fic comes from research and imagination. If there is anything portrayed inaccurately here, I apologize. Please let me know through DM on twitter [@b2utifulife](https://twitter.com/b2utifulife) I might also make some revisions later. 
> 
> I started writing this in September. Since "baek" means white and "hyun" is black, I always imagined Hyun to have white hair as a contradiction to his name and I got inspiration from Kaneki Ken character from Tokyo Ghoul series. Sometime in October, Baekhyun dyed his hair pure white and Obsession teaser dropped. The timing is just so perfect…? X-Baekhyun is so beautiful and just like what I envisioned if Hyun comes to life. I really love his aesthetics so I added details like his face chains to Hyun in my fic.
> 
> Chanyeol has always wanted to be the C in CBX but the position will always be reserved for Chen, so just to indulge myself (and him), I will let him be a part of a fictional group CBM (ChanBaekMin) here. 
> 
> BaekChen is love. Please support EXO, Chen and Baekhyun ^^
> 
> Talk to me & follow me on [twitter @b2utifulife!](https://twitter.com/b2utifulife)


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